Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Baltimore Pictures and Fatima Productions in association with NBC Studios, all rights reserved. Homicide was created by Paul Attanasio and based upon David Simon's book Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show Homicide: Life on the Street, it's for educational purposes only. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Baltimore Pictures, Fatima Productions, or NBC. It was transcribed by Kayleigh and made available for your downloading enjoyment by Laurel Krahn at http://www.windowseat.org/homicide/scripts/.

"The Documentary" writer: Eric Overmeyer
screenplay: Tom Fontana & James Yoshimura & Eric Overmeyer
director: Barbara Kopple

"Homicide: Life on the Street"

"The Documentary"


Voiceover: (Yaphet Kotto) "Previously, on "Homicide: Life on the Street..."

Scene opens in the Homicide Division Squad Room.

Det. Frank Pembleton paces, and Sgt. Kay Howard sits on top of a desk. Det. John Munch lounges in a chair. J.H. Brodie sets up a television cart with a VCR in the background.

Pembleton: Hear that?

Det. Mike Kellerman: What? Is Meldrick back from the pizza run yet?

Pembleton: No. It's Mr. Coffee, percolating in the next room. It's too quiet in here. The only thing dead in this joint are the phones.

Munch: New Year's Eve, Frank. When that ball drops, the bodies'll start dropping, too.

Kellerman: I hate New Year's Eve.

Pembleton: Everybody hates New Year's Eve.

Brodie: Yeah. Another year older and deeper in debt.

Munch: Like having a birthday, only nobody buys you any presents.

A champagne cork pops, and Det. Tim Bayliss begins to pour champagne into paper cups. Lt. Al Giardello emerges from his office.

Gee: What's this? The distribution and consumption of alcohol while on duty?

Pembleton bends to pick up a cup, and Bayliss hands out others to the assembled squad.

Pembleton: Champagne can hardly be described as "alcohol."

Bayliss: Just a little taste, Gee.

Gee: As long as it's just a little taste. And I get to make the first toast.

Kellerman: Well, let's hope this year is better than the last year.

Pembleton: I'll drink to that, even though I'm not supposed to touch the stuff.

Munch: Toast or no toast, the long term trend is that this year will be worse than last year, and next year

will be worse than this.

Everyone salutes with paper cups.

Gee: Munch! A toast. May we have more nights like this one, many more, when the phones are not


Howard: Hear, hear!

Everyone drinks, and in the background, we hear assorted "Mmmmm"s, and grunts of pleasure. People put down their cups and begin to move away. Frank picks up the champagne bottle and looks at the label.

Pembleton: Domestic. Import at that.

Bayliss: You are a snob, Frank.

Brodie finishes his drink and readies the television set.

Kellerman: This isn't even champagne. This is the fake champagne. What is it..."Method Sparkling Wine"

--this is sparkling wine.

Bayliss: (jabbing a finger at Kellerman) The French make them do that...It's a trade war thing, Mike.

Kellerman: You know, you're not supposed to buy champagne at the gas station.

Det. Meldrick Lewis arrives, bearing pizzas.

Lewis: Hey, hey, hey....Get 'em while they're hot!

Pembleton: Are we gonna watch the ball or are we not gonna watch the ball?

Brodie: We got time to watch this first?

Howard: What you got there, Brodie?

Brodie loads a cassette into the VCR/

Brodie: It's my documentary. Uh--on the Homicide Unit. All of you guys.

Lewis: You made a documentary about us?

Brodie: Yeah. I spent all of this year doing it.

Munch: Really?

Lewis; (in the background) I tell you, the finest pizza pie in all Baltimore....

Conversations begin to overlap.

Munch: (to Brodie) I hope you got my good side.

Kellerman: What side, Munch?

Bayliss: (to Meldrick) Did you get some....uh, vegetarian? I'll take some.

Brodie pushes tape into VCR.

Lewis: You know, there's no...I brought some pepperoni pizza; let's just eat 'em.

Pembleton: This better be more than good, Brodie.

Scene fades. The opening theme begins. Credits roll.

Fade in. The cast are arrayed on top of desks and in chairs, surrounding the television, which sits center. On the television, we see:

A shot of Baltimore, with the legend: "BACK PAGE NEWS: Life and Homicide on the Mean Streets of Baltimore."

Pembleton: Wait, wait, wait....that doesn't make a whole helluva lot of sense....What does "life" and

"homicide" have to do with each other?

Brodie: I wanted to juxtapose life and death--you know--the ying and the yang.

The screen reads: A Documentary by J. H. Brodie.

Brodie: Homicide is so...you know....it's negative.

Pembleton: Yes, it is. It doesn't get much more negative than homicide.

Various shots of city appear on the television as guest star credits begin to roll.

Munch and Brodie are watching the video, as Gee hovers.

Munch: "The Mean Streets?" What are you? Ripping of Scorsese?

Brodie: I wasn't ripping him off...I respect the man. But, he doesn't hold a candle to great documentary

filmmakers like Robert Frank, or Penny Baker, the Mazos Brothers, or Ken Burns.

Credits continue.

Munch: Oh, yeah. Ken Burns. He's the only guy ever to manage to make something more boring than a

baseball game....a documentary about baseball.

On the screen are shots of Baltimore, including Camden Yard.

Howard: (smiling) Pretty tough room, Brodie...You sure you wanna do this?

Brodie: An artist has to be fearless, Kay...you know...

Howard: There's fearless, and there's.....crazy.

A shot of an American flag. A Police Unit drives into the garage, and the legend says: The Detectives.

Voice of Kellerman: Nice effect Brodie. It's very professional.

Voice of Brodie: Hey, I can loan you the software.

The screen shows a shot of Munch, frozen in time. The legend reads: Det. John Munch. Munch puts a newspaper in front of his face. The shot changes to Howard, a close up.

Howard: (snaps) What?!?!

The legend reads: Sgt. Kay Howard.

Voice of Brodie: I might put some narration in here about how I had to overcome a little bit of initial


Shot of the detectives, coming out of a doorway. Meldrick is leading the way. The shot freezes, and the legend reads: Det. Meldrick Lewis. Shot resumes, and Meldrick makes a "cut" gesture with his hand across his throat to the camera. Shot changes to Kellerman at a nighttime crime scene. Mike holds a small penlight in his right hand, inspecting the scene. He holds his hand up to wave off Brodie and the camera, dismissing him from the scene.

Kellerman: Bye.

The shot freezes. The legend reads: Det. Mike Kellerman. The shot resumes.

Brodie: Just act natural, like I'm part of the furniture.

Kellerman: Bye.

Kellerman shines his penlight at the camera, ruining the shot. The shot switches to Megan Russert, who is sitting at a table in the coffee room.

Russert: Brodie! I...(she sighs) Brodie....

Voice of Munch: Ah. Detective Megan Russert. Gone, but not forgotten.

The legend reads: Det. Megan Russert. Megan looks into camera.

Russert: I hate being photographed.

She moves her hand over the camera lens.

Munch: She’ll be back–the bright lights of Baltimore? Paris will pale in comparison.

A shot of Gee appears, outside in the snow, with a scarf covering his mouth and nose. The legend reads: Lt. Al Giardello.

Gee: Get the hell out of the way.

Next shot, Frank steps out of a car. The shot freezes, and the legend reads: Det. Frank Pembleton.

Lewis: Hey! It’s Frank. Bald again.

Frank watched himself on the screen.

Brodie: (to Frank) I shot this before you had the stroke.

In the same shot as Frank, Bayliss emerges from the passenger side of the car that disgorged Frank.

Bayliss: Hey!

The shot freezes, and the legend reads: Det. Tim Bayliss. A female voice offscreen says "Hey!" Tim puts something away in his pocket, and he and Frank advance towards the voice who is a female officer.

Frank: Hey, hey, hey….Sgt. Sally Rogers! What have we got?

Sgt. Rogers lifts the crime scene tape for them to all pass under.

Rogers: Llewellyn Kilduff.

The screen shows an African-American male adult, lying face down on the grass. A technician walks off the footage near the body. Other officers and technicians process the scene in the background. The legend reads: The Case. The camera pans in to a close-up shot of the body of the late Mr. Kilduff. It starts at the hand and wrist, and pans up the arm to the back. A gunshot wound to the left side of the chest is apparent. The body rests on its face in the grass. The legend reads" The Murder of Llewellyn Kilduff.

Rogers: He had some kind of altercation with his next door neighbor. (She points.)

The camera pans to the yard of the next house. An officer watches over an older African-American male, who is sitting on a bench-style swing, smoking a cigar.

Rogers: The shooter’s name is Bennett Jackson.

The legend reads just that: Shooter: Mr. Bennett Jackson.

Bayliss: Brodie–of all of the cases that we ever worked, this is the one that you picked for your film?

Frank: Shame on you, Brodie. You are a sick and twisted soul.

Brodie: Not as twisted as Mr. Jackson.

Shot of Mr. Jackson, outside on his swing, at the scene.

Rogers: According to witnesses, words were exchanged, Mr. Jackson went in his house, came out with a firearm, walked up to Kilduff, and shot him twice, at close range.

Frank: Oh. You recover a weapon?

Rogers: (handing Frank a gun in an evidence bag) Saturday Night Special. Lucky it didn’t blow up in his hand.

Frank inspects the gun, as they walk toward the house.

Rogers: After he shot Mr., Kilduff, he shot Mrs. Kilduff, and then he sat down on his swing and waited for the police.

A shot of Jackson, sitting on the swing.

Rogers: He surrendered without incident.

Bayliss: Hm. Where’s Mrs. Kilduff?

The shot now captures a boy carrying a football, skirting the crime scene tape.

Rogers: University.

Frank: She gonna make it?

Rogers: Looked like a DOA to me, but what do I know?

Bayliss hands evidence bag containing the gun to Frank.

Bayliss: Any idea what this is all about?

Rogers: Not really. The best explanation that we could get from Mr. Jackson was that he felt he had no choice.

Frank: Oh….he had no choice. Okay–thank you!

A gurney rolls by under the crime scene tape. Officers still comb the scene. Frank steps over Mr. Kilduff.

Frank: Neighbors out working in the yard, and he whacks ‘em…

Bayliss and Pembleton approach the shooter.

Bayliss: Mr. Jackson. I’m Detective Bayliss, and this here’s Detective Pembleton.

Pembleton: Has he read you your rights yet? (indicating the uniformed officer, standing guard.)

Jackson: (handcuffed, and with cigar clenched in his teeth) I shot ‘em. Both of "em.

Pembleton and Bayliss exchange a glance.

Jackson: And I imagine that you want me to go downtown and sign a statement to that effect.

Frank: Okay. Well, a uniform will take you down.

Mr. Jackson rises from the swing, and Pembleton and Bayliss walk him to a car.

Bayliss: All right.

Howard: I don’t know how you two stand each other.


The scene is now the Interrogation Room, commonly known as "The Box." Frank looks at himself in the two-way mirror. He looks at his teeth, and splays his tongue out over them. We hear the disembodies voice of Brodie:

Brodie: The rights of a suspect….?

On the screen, the legend is spelled out: Random Thoughts.

Brodie: Give us your thoughts.

Frank: (turning away from mirror to face camera) You are a citizen of a free nation. Having lived your adult

life in the land of guaranteed civil liberties (Frank takes off his jacket), you commit a crime of violence,

whereupon you are jacked up, dragged down to police headquarters, and deposited in a claustrophobic

anteroom containing three chairs, a table, and cold brick walls. Have a seat, please.

The camera pans down, as if sitting in the hot seat–the suspect’s chair.

Frank: And there you sit, for a half hour or more, until a Homicide Detective, a man who can, in no way, be

mistaken for a friend, enters the room. (Frank leans in toward the camera, and pulls out a pack of

cigarettes.) He offers you a cigarette. Not your brand. (He replaces the pack in his shirt pocket and

moves around the table.) And begins and uninterrupted monologue which wanders back and forth for

a half hour or so, eventually coming to rest in a familiar place: You have the right to remain silent.

Bayliss appears, and gets right up in the camera.

Bayliss: You have got the absolute RIGHT to remain silent. (He moves off camera.

Frank: (leans in across table) Of course you do. You’re a criminal. Criminals always have the right to remain


Lewis quickly moves into view.

Lewis: We’re talking about sacred freedoms here–notably, your Fifth Amendment protection against self

incrimination. Hey–if it was good enough for Ollie North and Mark Furhman, who the hell are you to

incriminate yourself at the first opportunity?

Munch moves in as well.

Munch: Get it straight. A police detective, paid government money to put you in prison, is explaining your

absolute right to shut up before you say anything stupid.

Fade out to commercial.


Fade in. Interior of car. Frank is driving, and Bayliss rides shotgun. Outside, we see the streets of good old Baltimore passing by rapidly.

Bayliss: I think this is a slam dunk.

Pembleton: A case being writ in black, even as we speak.

Bayliss: Well, I could be wrong…

Pembleton: No, you’d be right…We got the shooter, we got his GUN, we got beaucoup eyewitnesses, and the

man’s given it up.

Tim: (looking back at Brodie and whispering) We need the "why".

Pembleton: No, you need the "why"–I don’t need to know the man, or any more about his problems than this.

He shot his neighbors and then waited on his swing for the police to arrive so that he might surrender

his freedom. Mr. Jackson has been so helpful and so efficient that to ask for more would be ungrac-


Bayliss: C’mon, Frank…one neighbor murders another, and you don’t wanna know what that means?

Pembleton: I know exactly what that means…ten hours overtime…

(During this scene, Gee watches this conversation intently on the TV in the squadroom.)

Pembleton: ….and if Mr. Jackson will be kind enough to take it to trial, another 20 hours court pay.

Frank snatches the remote control out of Brodie’s hand.

Pembleton: You can’t use that.

Brodie: Well….what do you mean?

Frank looks at Brodie for a second.

Pembleton: You gotta take all that stuff out of your film. You can’t have us joking about overtime like that.

Brodie: Yeah, but you…you…said it!

Pembleton: I…I…I KNOW I said it–the point is, I don’t want anyone to hear me say it!

Brodie: I’m a documentarian, Detectve Pembleton, and it’s my job to honestly reflect reality.

Brodie picks up the remote and restores the video to the screen.

Voice Of Howard: Hey, this is a real party, huh?

Back on the video, the shot is still the interior of the car, and Frank and Tim are looking at each other.

Brodie: Frank, Frank! Look out!

The White Cavalier smashes into another car. We see a shot of a woman’s legs, standing by a car, with the legend reading: Fender Bender Aphrodisiac.

Kellerman: (holding a slice of pizza) "Fender Bender Aphrodisiac"? Isn’t that the name of a grunge band?

Back to the shot of the woman’s legs, and the shot follows the legs upwards to see a young woman, glancing worriedly at her vehicle. Her taillight is smashed.

Pembleton: Well, of course I have car insurance, but your rate is going to go up, too. I hope you realize that.

Woman: Well? Why should they? You hit me.

Pembleton: I’m more than willing to admit that.

Bayliss exits the car and approaches Frank and the woman.

Bayliss: No, no, no, no, no….don’t admit that, Frank. Don’t admit to anything.

The woman makes an outraged sound. Bayliss crosses to Brodie, and with an angry look, mimes a "cut" motion with his hands.

Woman: Who are you, his lawyer?

Bayliss: Huh? No, I’m just saying, let’s exchange the insurance cards, and we’ll get on our way, okay?

Tim starts to direct traffic around the accident.

Woman: No! No one is going anywhere until the cops get here.

Pembleton: No, we are the cops. (Shows her his shield) We’re detectives, homicide detectives. We’re working a

very important case.

Woman: (looks from Frank to Tim) Someone was murdered?

Bayliss: Mmm-hmmm.

Woman: Was it…oooh….was it bad?

Bayliss: Grisly.

Pembleton: Yeah.

They nod at each other in agreement.

Woman: Is it going to be on the news?

Tim shoots a look at Frank.

Bayliss: Well, I…uh….It’s bound to be, because something like this…it’s so gruesome….

Pembleton: I’ll tell you what….here’s my card. This is my number down at police headquarters–take your car to

a body shop, get an estimate, give me a call, and I’ll send you a check. How about that?

Woman: Oh….but isn’t that against the law?

Pembleton: We’d be doing the taxpayers a favor.

The woman starts to waver.

Woman: Okay. All right. I guess.

Pembleton: Thank you. I appreciate that.

Franks shakes the woman’s hand and smiles at her. He keeps holding on to her hand. The woman smiles back at Frank.

Woman: I’ll call you.

Pembleton: Yes.

Tim grabs Frank by the shoulder, and starts pulling him away.

Pembleton: You take…you take care.

Woman: We’ll watch you on the news, ‘kay?

Pembleton and Bayliss: Okay.

Tim looks at Frank.

Pembleton: What?

Frank turns around and beams at the camera and laughs. Tim walks around to his side of the car.

Bayliss: She likes you.

Frank waves at the woman.

Pembleton: I don’t know what it is…ever since Mary got pregnant, women been coming on to me.

Woman gets into her car.

Pembleton: It’s an aphrodisiac, that’s what it is.

Bayliss: I think it’s more about her rear end.

During Bayliss’ last statement, the shot has switched back to the squadroom, where we see Kay, who is smirking, and Gee, who is leaning over a desk, staring the laser Gee-ray eyes at Frank.

Gee: Pembleton!

Frank has his head in his hands. Gee starts moving a chair over to Frank.

Gee: You filed a report, stating that the accident happened in the parking lot. You gave me an elaborate song

and dance about some jerk that backed up into you at the Mall….and then fled the scene of the accident

without leaving so much as a note.

Pembleton: (looks sheepish) Is that what I said?

Bayliss, Munch, Brodie, Kellerman, and Lewis all laugh.

Gee: What are you laughing at, Bayliss? Do the words "unindicted co-conspirator" mean anything to you?

Bayliss: Gosh, Gee…it was just a fender bender.

Gee: And we’ll have to discuss way that the two of you can make full restitution to the department.

Kellerman: They’ll be garnishing your wages for the next 12 months.

Munch: Which proves my point again–even our most modest expectations vis-à-vis the new year quickly


Brodie gets up as if to leave.

Pembleton: This is all Brodie’s fault. Do you know how distracting it is to have a camera in your face while

you’re driving?

Gee turns to Brodie.

Gee: Where are you going, Brodie?

Brodie: Oh. I just….hadda…go to the bathroom.

Gee: Sit down. (Brodie sits. Gee smiles–the smile that you get when you know you’re toast.) I think our friend

Brodie has done us all a public service. (Gee pats Brodie on the back.) Let’s continue. Let’s see what other

lies….what other hidden truths….can be revealed.

The shot is now the interior of the Box.

Bayliss: You see, anything that you say or write may be used against you in a court of law.

Kellerman: Yo, bunky. Wake up! Talking to a police detective, in an interview room, is only gonna hurt you.

Howard: If it could help, we’d be pretty quick to tell ya that. We’d stand up and tell you that you have a right not

to worry. Anything you say or write will be used to help you in a court of law.

Kellerman: Your best bet is to shut up. Shut up now.

The scene changes again, and we again see the interior of a car. The legend reads: Art vs. Reality. The shot unfreezes, and Mikey and Meldrick exit the car.

Lewis: So–you’re telling me–a kid should be suspended for bringing aspirin to school?

Kellerman: Look–without rules, we’re gonna have anarchy. Now, aspirin’s a drug. If the rules say no drugs,

Then no drugs.

In the squadroom, we see Mike and Meldrick watching themselves on the screen.

Lewis: Yeah…Excedrin–the great psychedelic. (He indicates a particular house) It’s this one.

Meldrick climbs a set of steps to a house, and approaches the front door. Mikey stays out in the street, observing the windows. Meldrick knocks on the front door.

Lewis: Ed McMahon. We got a check for ya!

Kellerman: Maybe he’s not home.

We see a shot of the upstairs windows. The curtains twitch in one window. Mikey waves.

Kellerman: Hello! He’s going around the back. (He runs to cover the rear exit.)

Lewis: (running) I got this side!

The camera follows Mikey into the alley. The suspect is running, and Kellerman and Lewis give chase. The suspect crashes through a wooden gate, and overturns trash cams. The suspect, with Mikey, hot on his heels, erupts out of an alley into the street. Meldrick is further behind, still giving chase. Sirens wail in the background. The suspect runs into another alley. We hear voices, and see a jumble of people. A voice says "Cut! Cut!" The legend at the bottom of the screen reads: Footage courtesy of Fatima Productions. Squad cars and officers block the end of the alley. A man walks over and says: "What the hell is going on here?"

Lewis: You Barry Levinson!

Levinson: Yeah….

Lewis: I went to high school with you!

Brodie: I’m a big fan of yours, Mr. Levinson! Nice to meet you. (Brodie shakes Levinson’s hand) I gotta tell

You though–the real police here in Baltimore, they don’t say "freeze."

Levinson: Yeah? They don’t?

Brodie: It’s a television thing, I think.

Levinson turns to the "crew" and points.

Levinson: Hey, guys! It’s the real Homicide, here!

The "crew" waves.

Levinson: You guys never say freeze?

Lewis: Naw….

Levinson: Really?

Meldrick yells "Cut!" and makes a cutting motion with his hands.

Lewis: (to Levinson) Naw….

Levinson: Nice meeting you!

Lewis: Good meeting you, too.

Barry Levinson laughs.


The shot changes. The camera is trained on the water cooler. The legend reads: Homicide Home Page.

Gee: "Homicide Home Page:? What does that mean?

We see various shots of the squadroom–a typewriter, mailboxes, a ringing phone, file cabinets.

Kellerman: It’s cyberspeak, Lieutenant.

Munch: Ooooh, montage. My favorite.

We see more shots around the squadroom….the board, the box, the coffee room TV with Godzilla standing watch.

Lewis: Very surrealistic. Love the lack of information. I wouldn’t wanna know what I’m lookin’ at.

Kellerman: But you do know what you’re lookin’ at–you’re looking at the coffee room TV.

The shot of the TV continues.

Munch: Don’t you think this shot of the TV is over? ( The camera pans down to the refrigerator.) Thank god–

Camera movement. So exciting!

A hand opens the refrigerator door and snags a plastic bag.

Kellerman: A guy, getting something from the fridge? That’s exciting?

Howard: Unless…..it’s the Lunch Bandit…..

Back in the squadroom, Chief Medical Examiner Julianna Cox walks in.

Cox: Who’s the Lunch Bandit?

Gee: Dr. Cox! What are you doing here?

Bayliss: Hey, yeah! You can’t be working tonight!

Assorted voices chime in.

Cox: Yeah–I was at this party, and there were hats and horns–the whole New Year’s Eve nine yards–(she and

Kellerman exchange a glance) and it got boring. So, I thought I’d come down here and see what you guys

were doing.

Howard: Well, there hadn’t been a murder all night.

Brodie: I’m just showing the documentary I made on the Homicide Unit.

Cox: Mind if I watch? (She crosses the room.)

Brodie: Nope.

Cox: So, what have I missed?

Munch: Not a damn thing.

Pembleton: Take a seat. (Mikey arranges a seat next to himself for her.)That boring party may soon not

seem so boring.. (Mikey sits. Cox nods her thanks to Mikey.)

Kellerman: You’re welcome.

Cox: So–who’s the Lunch Bandit?

Howard: Well, no one knows, but he’s been stealing people’s lunches for years.

Lewis: That guy ain’t gonna see the light of day.

We now see Mr. Jackson, seated in the Box at the interrogation table. He still has a cigar clamped in between his teeth. He sits with his hands on the table, palms down. The legend reads: Kilduff cont.

Bayliss: Mr. Jackson, I just thought that you might be interested in knowing that, uh…Mrs. Kilduff is still on the operating table.

Mr. Jackson says and does nothing.

Pembleton: You’re just full of remorse, aren’t ya?

Tim crosses the room.

Bayliss: C’mon, Brodie…get out of the way!

Brodie: ‘Scuse me.

Bayliss: (moves back to the table and sits) So, how long did you know the Kilduffs?

Jackson: They moved into that house seven or eight years ago. They bought it from the state when old Mrs.

Floody passed on. I handled the arrangements myself.

Pembleton: How’s that?

Jackson: Own my own funeral home, Jackson and Sons, on Cherry Street. Been in my family 80 years.

Pembleton: So, growing up in a funeral parlor, you’re a man who’s on close terms with death?

Jackson: Intimate. I been around dead people all my life. They don’t trouble me.

Pembelton: Is that what you were thinking when you shot the Kilduffs? Hm? Had you been planning for

their funeral for years? Is that why you’re so cool about all this?

Jackson: It’s not a question of temperature, detective.

Pembleton: Then, what is it a question of, Mr. Jackson? Is this all about business? You needed a few more

customers, so why not start with the neighbors, is that it?

Bayliss: You’re no ordinary mortician, are you? You like to see things through from start to finish. You like to

Bump ‘em and dump ‘em? Slab ‘em and stab ‘em? Pop ‘em and paint ‘em? More bodies, more profit?

You know how to run a business!

Jackson: Business. Hm. Some people don’t know how to mind their own.

Pembleton: Like the Kilduffs?

Jackson: Always poking their noses where they didn’t belong.

Bayliss: And that’s why you shot ‘em? Because they knew something you didn’t want them to know?

Jackson: A man’s got a right to his privacy.

Pembleton: Well, what is it, exactly, that you didn’t want them to know?

Mr. Jackson looks at Frank and then looks away. Tim and Frank exchange glances.

Bayliss: Hm. You married, Mr. Jackson?

Jackson: Forty-one years.

Pembleton: Where’s your wife?

Jackson: Glen Birney. Chestfield Nursing Home.

Bayliss: Ah….how long have you been living by yourself, Mr. Jackson?

Jackson: You mind your business, detective, and I’ll mind mine.

Mr. Jackson turns away from the table.

In the squadroom, Meldrick leans down to Tim.

Lewis: Bet he was messin’ around with Mrs. Kilduff. Sex triangle with the neighbors, you know what I’m


Bayliss: (smiles) Not even close, Meldrick. Not even.

Once again, on the tape, Tim looks at Frank, who looks at Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson studiously looks at neither detective.


The scene changes to a now Mr. Jackson-less Box. Tim walks toward the interrogation table, rubbing his hands together.

Bayliss: You see, you have the right to talk to an attorney, at any time. Before any questions, before answering

any questions, or during any questioning.

Munch puts his hand on Tim’s shoulder and crosses around him.

Munch: Now, the man who wants to arrest you for violating the peace and dignity of the great state of Maryland

says that you can talk to a trained professional, an attorney, who has read the relevant code. Or at least

gotten his hands on some Cliff’s Notes.

Lewis: Let’s face it, pal. You just carved up some drunk in a Dundalk Avenue bar, or just bludgeoned your wife

to death with a pickaxe–that don’t make you a brain surgeon! You’re gonna need the help of an expert.

(Tim nods.) Believe me! Take whatever help you can get! (Lewis moves off camera.)

Bayliss: He’s right.

Tim moves off, leaving Munch, standing alone with his arms crossed.

Fade out to commercial.


Fad in. Interior shot of coffee room. We see the refrigerator. The legend reads: Homicide Home Page 2.

Munch: Been there, done that.

A figure opens the fridge and takes something out.

Brodie: It’s not the same shot. Just watch.

Howard: (watching the TV screen intently) It’s definitely the Lunch Bandit! (She rises out of her chair) That’s

my container!

Kellerman: What are you doing, Brodie? You gotta pull back!

At this point in the tape, the Lunch Bandit has just made his getaway, and Kay comes into view. She moves to the fridge and opens it.

Howard: Hey, Brodie. How’s it hangin’?

Cox: Wait, wait! Where did he go?

Kellerman: He’s a fast little bastard!

Howard: I…I…remember that day! (She moves toward the TV) The Lunch Bandit hit me! I had a leftover

souvlaki from the Phoenecia Deli (Frank grabs Kay’s arm.) and I was looking for it!


Kellerman: C’mon, Brodie…you nailed him! Who is it?

Voice of Meldrick: Hey! Siddown!

Brodie: Just wait and see!

Kay and Mikey are still glued to the TV, hoping to see the face of the Lunch Bandit, as if their staring would make him materialize.


Interior of the Box. Mr. Jackson is present. There is a shot of a hand, writing on some papers. The legend reads: Kilduff cont. Mr. Jackson is signing his statement. He signs and hand the documents to Frank.

Pembleton: Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

Voice of Bayliss: In his mind, he was right.

Mr. Jackson hands Tim the pen.

Gee: Every killer thinks he’s right.


The scene cuts to the interior of a police car, which is traveling the streets at night. The song "Boom, Boom, Boom" by the Iguanas is played as the action plays out. We see various shots of the detectives at crime scenes. Some of these in this montage come from "The Hat", "Prison Riot", "Sniper", "The City That Bleeds", and assorted others.

The detectives watch the montage, each seeing himself.

The montage ends with a victim being loaded into a Medical Examiner’s van, which has the Maryland State crest on the rear door.

Shot of the stationhouse at night.

Voice of Brodie: Okay, so we’ll start again in five minutes.

Brodie stands at the TV, eating something. (Presumably a slice of the pizza.) Frank looks speculatively at the TV.

Pembleton: It’s weird.

Bayliss: What?

Pembleton: Seeing myself. Seeing me before the stroke. I look at the screen, and think, "Who the hell is that?"

Meldrick and Munch return to the squad room.

Munch: (to Meldrick) I’m not saying life can’t get better, I’m saying it won’t. You see the difference?

Lewis: Yeah, I see the difference.

Pembleton: C’mon, let’s get this show on the road. I’m not gonna miss the ball.

People file in and sit.

Bayliss: (to Frank) My, Cinderella, what big feet you have!

Pembleton: No, not that ball….the ball in Times Square.

Howard: And the phone still hasn’t rung.

Munch: Mark my words, it’s just a matter of time.

Brodie looks around and presses play on the remote.

Brodie: All right.


Interior of the Box. It’s dark, and Frank lurks in the shadows.

Voice of Brodie: What are you focusing on when you first sit down with a suspect?

Frank moves toward the table and Brodie, and circles it as he speaks.

Pembleton: The detective has informed you of your rights. He wants you to be protected, he says, because,

he says, there’s nothing that concerns him more than giving you every possible assistance in this

very confusing and stressful moment in your life.

Kay Howard moves into view.

Howard: And the detective wants you to know–and we’ve been doing this a lot longer than you have, so you

can take our word for it–(She sits) your rights to counsel aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Pembleton: Once you actually up and call for that lawyer, son, there ain’t a damn thing we can do for you. No,

Sir, Your good friends in the Homicide Unit are gonna have to lock you, all alone, in this room. And

the next authority figure to scan your case will be a no-nonsense Prosecutor from the Violent Crimes

Unit with the official title Assistant State’s Attorney for the City of Baltimore.

Munch: And God help you then, because a ruthless bloodsucker like that’ll have an O’Donnell Heights motor-

Head like yourself halfway to the gas chamber before you get three words out.

Kellerman: Your best bet is to speak up. Speak up now.

The Video switches to an exterior shot, facing away from the stationhouse, at night. Mikey and Meldrick are chatting as they cross the street to the Waterfront. The legend reads: Off Duty.

Lewis: Hey, Brodie, get a life!

Mikey reaches behind his head and pulls on it, jerking it to the side.

Lewis: So, the bear says: You didn’t come here to hunt, did you?

They open the door and walk in. Munch is tending bar.

Munch: Mi casa es su casa. What will it be?

Kellerman: A beer.

Munch: Import or domestic?

At this point, the scene starts over, starting with Mikey and Meldrick crossing the street.

Lewis: Hey, Brodie, get a life!

Voice of Bayliss: Hey, didn’t we just see this?

Voice of Cox: Yeah, Brodie…obviously, you screwed up.

Shot changes to present-day squadroom.

Brodie: It’s a choice. It was a cinematic statement.

Cox: Yeah. It looks like a mistake to me.

Pembleton: I like it. It speaks to the repetitive and essentially meaningless nature of police work.

On the video, Munch is asking Kellerman:

Munch: Import or domestic?

Kellerman: Domestic.

Cox: This I could do without.

Bayliss: Wow, this is really dramatic stuff.

On the video, Mike is pouring a canned beer into a glass and extolling its virtues.

Kellerman: The glass of beer….

Gee: Yes, Brodie….the whole thing is boring.


The scene switches to an exterior shot of the Kilduff crime scene. The legend reads: Kilduff cont. Frank and Tim are interviewing the neighbors as crime scene techs comb the yard for evidence. Frank and Tim talk to a man in a Postal Uniform.

Neighbor: Lived here 12 years. Can’t say I spoke to the man more than two…three times.

Bayliss: Mmm-hmmm. You mean he was a loner?

Neighbor: He kept to himself, sure. But he was no loner. When the wife went away, Jackson had his share of . company.

Bayliss: You mean women.

Neighbor: He’d have the lights on ‘til the early morning hours. Music playing, laughter. Not that I cared. Or


Pembleton: Right, right.

Bayliss: Of course not.

Neighbor: The Kilduff’s, though….they felt otherwise….

Shot changes to a different part of the same neighborhood. Frank and Tim are now interviewing a girl on a bicycle.

Girl: Yeah….Mrs. Kilduff was always complaining….she’d go on and on about the neighborhood–how we gotta

keep it nice, keep it clean, and keep it quiet.

Pembleton: Did Mrs. Kilduff complain about Bennett Jackson?

Girl: All the time. She didn’t approve of his lifestyle. She said he "lowered the tone of the neighborhood."

Bayliss: Did you see many people come and go from Jackson’s house?

Girl: Yeah, he had ladies there, late at night. Always brought them over in his hearse! (she laughs.)


Scene changes to exterior, and we see a shot of a hearse. Tim and Frank are interviewing a young man, who is a relative of Mr. Jackson’s. The young African-American male wipes down the hearse with a cloth.

Pembleton: (to Young Man) Do you know what this about, Levon? The bad blood between your uncle and

the Kilduffs?

Levon: My uncle’s a good man. He’s there for anyone who needs him. I don’t think he could kill somebody.

Bayliss: He said he did it.

Levon: Oh?

Bayliss: Yeah. (Frank nods.)

Levon: Then he did it. My uncle don’t lie. (He continues to wipe down the car.)

Pembleton: How long you been working for him?

Levon: Since high school.

Pembleton: Good boss?

Levon: The best. He don’t jack up the bill if you rich, and don’t wrap you up in old newspapers if you poor. He’s

straight up on that.

Bayliss: Uh-huh. Well, what about his private life? Your aunt’s in a nursing home…was he seeing any one

woman? We asked the neighbors–they said–

Levon: (interrupting Tim) Why you got to ask about the man’s back room time? My uncle’s a good man, He’s got

a good heart.

The scene changes to repeat the earlier scene of Mike and Meldrick, walking into the Waterfront. Now, the legend reads: Off Duty 2.

Voice of Cox: Uh-oh…here we go again.

Lewis: Hey, Brodie…get a life!

Shot changes to present in the squadroom.

Gee: Brodie, ever hear of something called too much of a good thing?

On the video again, Munch is talking to Mike. (again.)

Munch: Mi casa es su casa. What’ll it be?

Kellerman: A beer.

Munch: Import or domestic?

Cox: Oh–I get it….it’s a nightmare–we’re caught in a loop, right?

Munch: Yeah, I saw this once in a "Twilight Zone." Guy walks into a bar, orders his favorite beer, over and

Over, and they never have it.

On the video, Munch is speaking to Meldrick, who has his head down on the bar.

Munch: How ‘bout you, Meldrick?

Lewis: What do you think, Munch?

Munch: The usual?

Lewis: You got it, babe.

Munch: Seven and seven–good choice. How about you, Brodie. What do you want?

Brodie: No, thank you. And please–don’t talk directly into the camera.

Munch: Yeah.

Munch pours drinks. At this point, Tim and Frank enter the bar.

Pembleton: Hey, hey, hey….

Kellerman: Whoa! Did you guys solve your case?

Pembleton: Yep.

Bayliss: Nope. (He looks at Brodie with the camera, and crosses around behind the bar.)

Kellerman: Well, which is it?

Pembleton: Tim’s tormented, again, by the "why".

Munch: Tim is always tormented. I got a "why" question for you, Bayliss–why do you have to always know

the "why"?

Pembleton: Well, we got our "why"–the husband is having an affair, he doesn’t want his wife to find out. The

Neighbors are snooping around, so, he shoots them down–bada bing!

Bayliss: There’s more to it, Frank. I think that we should go talk to Mrs. Jackson.

Pembleton: Mrs. Jackson is in a Glen Birney nursing home. You want to talk to her about her husband’s extra-

marital affairs; you got your confession. Leave the woman alone.

Lewis: You know what your problem is, Timmy?

Bayliss: I don’t got a problem.

Lewis: You let things haunt you.

Bayliss: No, I don’t.

Lewis: Yeah, you do.

Bayliss: Naw….Naw….(He crosses to the front of the bar, drink in hand.) I know what you’re thinkin’….

Munch: What are we thinking?

Bayliss: Adena Watson.

Munch: That’s what I’m thinkin’. (To Lewis) Is that what you’re thinkin’?

Lewis: That’s exactly what I’m thinkin’….

Frank looks at Tim and grins.

Bayliss: Yeah. Yeah…..well, you know….not everything rolls back around to that one case.

Kellerman: I think you just might be a little too sensitive for police work. You know, you just let things nag at

ya….I mean, you’re the opposite of a nag, right? You’re a nag-ee.

Bayliss: Hm. A nag-ee.

Kellerman: Yeah. A nag-ee. It’s in the dictionary–look it up.

Bayliss: No, listen…the only thing around here that’s nagging me, Kellerman, is you.

Pembleton: Well, the answer to you question, is, uh…is, yeah–we closed this case. (He grabs Tim.) Now, repeat

after me….I am done with this case.


Bayliss: Goodbye.

Pembleton: I…..

Bayliss: Goodbye! Goodbye!

All the others take up Frank’s mantra and start repeating it…

All: "I…am….done….with….this….case!"

Kellerman: (in the background) "I am moving on with my life."

Tim exits the bar.

Lewis: (to Tim’s exiting back) Hey–where you going?

Pembleton: Hey!



The shot changes to the Board in the stationhouse. A hand erases the notation: 027 Kilduff in red, and rewrites this information in black. Tim watches this process sadly.

Fade out to commercial.

Fade in. Interior of the Box. Meldrick shuts the door, and advances toward the interrogation table.

Lewis: And the man who wants to put you in prison–the man who is not your friend–he comes in and he

says–uh–(he sits at table, facing Frank, who is playing the role of the suspect.) Black with sugar, right?

Suspect Frank: Uh….yeah. The coffee is fine, man. Um. What happens if I want a lawyer? Huh? What–

Meldrick strikes the table and rises.

Lewis: Well, then….we’ll get you a lawyer. That’s no problem at all. We got a whole pocket full of lawyers out

there. (He crosses to the door.) But….but…maybe you should think first. (Crosses back to Suspect Frank.)

Hmm? Right? Cause, see…this is your opportunity to tell me what really happened. (Crosses around

table to Suspect Frank’s side.) Huh? He came at you, didn’t he? He came at you, and you were scared.

Who would blame you? And it was self-defense!

Frank drops his character momentarily.

Pembleton: Your mouth opens to speak. (He turns his head to Meldrick and opens his mouth.)

Lewis: He came at you.

Suspect Frank: ….Uh-huh…..

Pembleton: …you venture cautiously….

Lewis: Whoa, whoa, whoa….(he searches for a pen.) Before we do that, I gotta get you your rights form. Rights

form….rights form….(He looks around the Box.) That’s the problem with them things…there’s never any

around when you want ‘em. (He sits.) It’s like a cop, right? (He quickly snatches a paper from out of

camera range, and places it on the table. He gives it a little pat with his hand.) There you go. Read that.

Suspect Frank bends to read the document.

Suspect Frank: Um…..

The shot changes to Tim playing the suspect, and being watched over by Kay.

Suspect Tim: (reading) I’m willing to answer questions, and I do not want an attorney at this time. My decision

To answer questions without an attorney present is free and voluntary on my part.

Kay takes a pen out of her shirt pocket and hands it to Suspect Tim.

Howard: Just sign the bottom of the form.

Suspect Tim signs the document.

Howard: (to camera) The detective looks up at you, eyes soaked with innocence….

Scene changes back to Meldrick and Suspect Frank.

Lewis: (leaning down) He came at you. (He nods his head at Suspect Frank until they are nodding in unison.)

Suspect Frank: Yeah….he, uh…he came at me.

The scene switches to present day squadroom, Tim grabs the remote form Brodie and pauses the tape.

Brodie: Hey!

Bayliss: I need to take a break. (We hear mutters of protest from the assembled company.) The champagne I

Drank–it’s goin’ right through me.

Gee: I’m going in my office.

Munch: (looks at empty chairs) Where’s Cox?

Howard: (smirking) Where’s Kellerman?

Cut to interior of the Box. Cox and Mikey are seated on the interview table, looking at each other.

Kellerman: Happy New Year’s.

Cox: (smiles) Happy New Year’s.

They kiss. After a while, Cox breaks away.

Kellerman: What?

Cox: A one night stand is fine, that’s, it’s….fine. But, it’s not how to start a relationship.

Kellerman: I totally agree. I want…I want us to have a chance.

Cox: (nods) Yeah…so do I.

Kellerman: Great. I have an idea. You and me, we’ll go out on a date.

Cox: What?

Kellerman: You know…like a real date date, right? I’ll pick you up, and we’ll go see a movie…(she laughs)…

or something…and when that’s all over, I’ll just, I’ll walk you home, and I don’t know…I’ll get a

little peck on the lips.

Cox: No sex?

Kellerman: Whatever, right? We’ll just…you know…we’ll have a conversation.

Cox: Well, it’s different….yeah! Okay.

Kellerman: All right, um….Thursday.

Cox: Thursday, good….

Kellerman: Great.

Cox: Fine.

Kellerman: Good.

They lean together as if about to kiss, and Cox suddenly breaks away. They speak in unison.

Kellerman: Let’s go back.

Cox: Let’s go.


The squad is watching the tape again. Everyone eyes Cox and Kellerman as they return.

Voice of Kellerman: You don’t wanna talk to me–that’s fine. And if you don’t want a lawyer–you know

Something–that’s fine, too. Because a) I am no relation to the guy you killed…

In the present day, Mike moves across the room to his chair.

Kellerman: Excuse me.

Voice of Kellerman: …..And b) No matter what you say, I am gonna get my overtime and pension.

Kay is smirking.

The video changes. Exterior shot of a parked car. Two figures sit in the car. The legend reads: Sex, Death, and Mystery. The Private Lives on Homicide Detectives.

Voice of Lewis: At last. The juicy stuff.

Voice of Munch: Must be some other Homicide shift. No sex and mystery around here.

Shot shows the couple in the parked car; a red-haired woman, and a curly-haired man; they are kissing passionately. Everyone realizes that the woman is Kay.

Kay glances around nervously.

Lewis: (laughs) I can’t believe it.

Cat calls are heard. We hear assorted "Ooooh!", "Hey, hey", and "Mmmmm-hmmmm."

Howard: Where the hell’d you get this, Brodie?

Pembleton: Whoo-whee!

On tape, Kay is now outside of the car, leaning in and kissing Mr. Curly-hair.

Brodie: I dunno….call it crazy luck? The right place, the right time.

Munch: Okay, Kay….Who the hell is this guy? You gotta tell us!

Howard: (embarrassed) It’s none a yer business!

Munch: I tried and tried to find out!

Lewis: That’s pathetic! A room full of so-called ace detectives, and can’t none of us nail down the identity of

Kay’s secret lover.


Mike rises from his chair and grabs the remote.

Kellerman: Hold on a sec….gimmee that! Wait…(Mikey pauses the tape, which shows Kay and Mr. Curly-hair

in mid kiss.) I recognize that guy!

Kay looks stunned.

Voice of Bayliss: Mike.

Howard: Get out of here. You do not!

Mikey moves in for a close up look at the TV.

Kellerman: Oh, yeah….I know who that is…

Howard: What the hell are you talking about?

Mike crosses to Kay who says to him very quietly:

Howard: (whispering) Tell me his name.

Mikey whispers in Kay’s ear. Kay looks thoroughly shocked. Mike looks smugly at Kay. Cat calls resume. We also hear clapping.

Voice of Brodie: Thanks.

Gee smiles.

On the tape, Gee is exiting his office with two women, one on each arm. One is medium height and blonde, and the other is petite and brunette. Both are wearing suits with short skirts. All three are laughing.

Howard: Now, wait a second, Gee….I don’t think I met them….

Bayliss: Gee!

Gee looks down, as if amused…

Munch: Whoa, Gee!

Gee: It was a night to remember…

Munch: Yeah, well, I, for one, would like to know more! Much more!

Gee: We had an excellent risotto ( he makes an "Italian" gesture with his hand.)

Munch: Mmmm-hmmm.

Gee: With mussels.

Munch: Ooooh, mussels….(Munch gets up and crosses to Gee) Talk to me, Gee.

Gee: Accompanied by a very respectable Chianti.

Kay is smiling at Gee.

Munch: Mmmm-hmmm.

Gee: And, um…for desert….

Munch: Don’t tell me….

Gee: (makes motion with his hand again) Gelati.

The crowd groans in bliss. Gee chuckles. Brodie cues up the tape again.


Meldrick is tending bar at the Waterfront. He is pouring a martini for Detective Terri Stivers.

Howard: Aw…Meldrick! You’re steppin’ out on Barbara!

Lewis: No.

Cox: It’s not even your…paper anniversary…whatever the first one is!

Bayliss: Let’s face it, men are pigs.

Lewis: I was not cheating on Barbara…let’s put it to rest.

Gee: You…and Detective Stivers…(he laughs.)

Lewis: Gee. Detective Stivers and I were having a meal. We’re trying to figure out a way to get Luther Mahoney

off the streets, once and for all.

Pembleton: (flatly( It doesn’t look like a business meeting.

Lewis: There are business meetings, and then there’s…there’s business meetings.

Munch: A word to the wise, Meldrick? Nix the horizontal rhumba with a fellow detective. Don’t dip your wick in

the company ink.

Lewis: I wasn’t, okay? (laughs nervously, and looks at Brodie with murder in his eyes, and says quietly to

Brodie:) Why you wanna film that, Brodie?

Brodie looks uncomfortable.

Fade to commercial.



Fade in.

On the tape, the legend reads: Connubial Bliss. It’s an Interior shout of Frank and Mary Pembleton’s home. Frank and Mary are in their daughter Olivia’s room. Frank lifts Livvie out of the crib.

Pembleton: What can I say? I’m a role model. A walking advertisement for family values. My very own shining

city on the hill.

Frank and Mary are talking quietly. Frank, holding Livvie, moves to the changing table, where both parents continue to talk and look down on their daughter.

Shot changes to Kellerman’s boat, the "Case Closed", which is moored at a dock. The legend reads: The Lonely Boys.

Voice of Pembleton: It’s my colleagues who are sad, lonely sociopaths.

Mikey sits on the back of the boat, drinking a beer.

Voice of Kellerman: You think I’m a sociopath, huh?

Interior of Munch’s apartment. A hand dips a Rocket Popsicle into a glass of beer. We see Munch, grunting contentedly as he slurps on his beersicle.

Voice of Pembleton: No. Not like Munch.

Munch drinks from the glass, grunting, and looks a magazine that appears to be about female bodybuilders.

Voice of Munch: That’s great. You know, I didn’t realize I photograph so well.

Brodie is filming himself in a mirror in a hallway. A door opens, screen left, and we see Bayliss, clad in a bathrobe and baseball cap, stumble in. He has a rolled-up newspaper under his arm, and s slugging from a bottle of booze. Bayliss swigs, and then looks blearily at the bottle.

Voice of Pembleton: Or Bayliss. Nice shot, Bayliss.

Bayliss looks down at his robe, and adjusts it. Brodie whistles, and Tim catches sight of him. He throws the rolled-up newspaper at Brodie, and exits back through the door.

Tim grabs the remote from Brodie, and locks an arm around Brodie’s neck from behind. Tim pauses tape. Brodie looks nervous. Tim speaks in Brodie’s ear.

Bayliss: Gimmee that! Brodie…I will never, ever speak to you as long as I live….ever again.

Brodie: Why?

Bayliss: I will treat you like Nixon treated Agnew.

Meldrick smiles evilly. Cox smiles behind her hand.

Brodie: Wait, wait….I just want…I had to show you, warts and all…because you’re the hero…of the piece,


Munch grins.

Bayliss: I’m the hero?

Brodie: Yes.

Bayliss: Okay.

Tim turns the tape back on with the remote, and lets Brodie go. Brodie sits up, affronted, and adjusting his collar. Kay laughs, and Gee smiles benignly and taps hi glasses on a crossed leg.

Interior, Mr. Jackson’s house. The nephew, Levon, watches Bayliss go through his uncle’s chest of drawers. The legend reads: Kilduff cont.

Levon: Why you gotta go through all my uncle’s things like this?

Bayliss sighs. He looks at a picture of Jesus on the wall for a second, and then begins searching through the closet.

Bayliss: Cameras.

He sees camera equipment on the top closet shelf. Bayliss rifles through a white shoebox.

Lewis: Uh-oh…Bayliss found his baseball card collection.

Bayliss finds a blue expandable folder, which he opens. Bayliss looks shocked, and stares at the contents very intently.

Munch: What are they? What’d you find?

Levon looks pained.

Levon: Satisfied? ( he turns away.)

Bayliss exhales and looks at camera in disbelief.

Voice of Howard: Zoom in, Brodie, zoom in!

Brodie zooms in for a closer look, but Bayliss pushes the documents back in the folder, and pushes the camera out of the way.

Bayliss: (to Brodie) Get outta here….get outta here! Later!


We see a nice shot of ceiling tile, and then Frank and Tim, entering the box, where an orange jumpsuit-clad Mr. Jackson waits. Bayliss waves a manila envelope at the camera. The telephone is ringing.

Bayliss: Ah, Mr. Jackson (The door to the Box closes. Bayliss’ voice trails off) How are they treatin’ ya at….

Brodie is shut out of the box.

Brodie: Hey!

Frank opens the door to the Box, and motions Brodie inside.

Bayliss: You see, my partner and me…we got some….we got a few things we’d like to straighten out about your


Frank pulls out a chair.

Pembleton: We know about the other women, Mr. Jackson.

Mr. Jackson looks on placidly.

Bayliss: Yeah, so did the Kilduffs. In fact, they threatened to tell your wife.

Frank sits.

Mr. Jackson: My wife has Alzheimer’s. Nothing that you could tell her that would matter. Besides, I didn’t do

anything wrong.

Pembleton: By whose standards.

Tim opens the manila envelope and plops the blue expandable file onto the table.

Mr. Jackson: You went into my home?! You went into my things?!

Bayliss: Of course we did, ‘cause that’s our job. (He opens the file.) Our job is to find out about you. See? (He

Begins to dump photos from the file onto the table.) Every single thing. (Photos scatter all over the

Table. Frank pulls one to him and looks at it.)

Pembleton: You sick son of a bitch.

We see the photo Frank is looking at. It shows an African-American woman, dressed in a red suit, slumped in a chair behind a dining-room table. Mr. Jackson takes off his glasses.

Voice of Kellerman: No way! He took stiffs from his funeral home, he dresses ‘em up, and puts ‘em around his

dinner table?

Bayliss is holding a photo to the camera. It shows a smiling Mr. Jackson, seated next to an obviously deceased woman, who is wearing a lei. Bayliss lowers the picture and looks at Mr. Jackson.

Mr. Jackson: I was lonely. I didn’t harm anyone. The Kilduffs couldn’t understand that. (He shrugs.) But you

understand. Don’t you?

Bayliss nods reluctantly.

Bayliss: Yeah. Absolutely.

Mr. Kilduff looks around. He looks into the camera, and looks away quickly. Hands begin to sweep photos off of the table. The legend reads: Case Closed.


Interior of the Box. Frank sits at the interrogation table, leaning over, resting his elbows and body on the table.

Pembleton: You’re history. And if I wasn’t so busy writing up your statement, I’d probably tell you so. I’d say:

"Son….you are ignorance personified, and you just put yourself in for the murder of a human being."

I might even admit to you, that after all my years working murders, I’m still a little amazed that any

one utters a word in this room. Think about it, son. When you came through those doors, what did

the sign say? Homicide Unit. That’s right. Who lives in a Homicide Unit? And what do Homicide

Detectives do for a living? (Frank pauses, and licks his lips.) You got it, bunk. And tonight, you

took somebody’s life. So–when you opened your mouth, what in God’s name were you thinkin’?

The tape fades out and ends.

We hear the squad clapping.

Pembleton: Hey, not bad, Brodie. Not bad. Although I’d cut down that last speech.

Brodie: Wait, wait…there’s more.


The tape starts up again. The shot shows the coffee room fridge. The legend reads: Coda. A figure in a blue sports coat moves to the fridge and opens it.

Howard: He’s ba-ack!

The figure picks up a Styrofoam container and turns around.

Kellerman: Wait a minute.

The tape reveals the Lunch Bandit to be…..Roger Gaffney! He freezes as he realizes that the camera has caught him in mid-pilfer. The legend reads: Case Closed.

Howard: It’s Gaffney! Gaffney’s the dang Lunch Bandit!

Kellerman: Unbelievable! (Mike picks up Brodie from behind in a bear hug.) Congratulations, Brodie! You

just solved the longest-running open case in Homicide history! You are a genius! (He kisses Brodie

on the neck.)

Brodie: Thank you, thank you.

Munch: Gaffney, that stooge! I shoulda known it was him….

Bayliss: Yeah, Gee! You gonna bring charges up on him?

Lewis: I say we put him in the Box and SWEAT it outta him!

Kellerman: Make him take a polygraph!

We hear cheers and catcalls. Gee crosses to Brodie.

Lewis: There ya go!

Gee: (to the squad) I’ll look into it. (to Brodie) Lemmee have a copy of this. No, as a matter of fact…I’ll take

The original. (He bends to retrieve the tape.)

Brodie and Gee’s voices begin to overlap.

Brodie: Uh….

Gee: …..for safekeeping….

Brodie: I don’t have the original.

Gee: What?

Brodie: (clears throat) I sold it. To PBS.

Lewis: Huh?

Gee stares at Brodie.

Brodie: Public Broadcasting System. PBS. It’s gonna be a special…..I mean, Bill Moore’s probably gonna

narrate the whole thing.

The squad looks shocked. Tim has his hand over his mouth.

Bayliss: Brodie–do you know what you have done? I’m…we’re all gonna be on national television, behaving


Brodie: Like you actually are.

Bayliss: (grimaces) No, that’s not the point.

Brodie purses his lips and looks at the floor.

Bayliss: We never thought about how it looks. We’re out there, and we’re messin’ with suspects, and we’re jokin’

over the bodies….but…you can’t show that to the public, Brodie! That stuff is personal. That’s

supposed to stay right here, in the station house.

Gee: You think you have a problem? What about poor Mr. Jackson, who murdered two of his neighbors to keep

his secret? And along you come, with your cameras and your questions, and boom! (Gee pushes Brodie’s

hat down. Brodie readjusts it.) All of America is watching his weird little life.

Lewis: Yeah, Brodie! Why you pick this little case for your movie?

Brodie: Wait! Wait…Everybody just hold on a second! You see, the thing is…is, I made this documentary not

because I wanted to embarrass anybody, but because I wanted to tell the truth. And when you’re after the

truth, then yeah–privacy goes out the window. I mean, that’s the way…that’s the way it is for you,

right? Pokin’ through victim’s drawers and closets, dredgin’ up the dirt of their life? Breakin’ down the

suspect ‘til there’s nothin’ left but the bare facts. What about the morgue? You guys, you’re over there

every day, you’re drinkin’ your coffee–standing over men and women that are being stripped and dis-

assembled. Let’s be honest. You guys are detectives. You live in other people’s life. And, no, it doesn’t

bother you. It’s not about the privacy, it’s about the work. And about pushing past all the lies, all the

crap and getting to what’s real. And that’s what I learned from you guys. And that’s what this film is all


Noise in the background is coming from the TV. The Ball is dropping in Times Square.

Lewis: Hey, hey…ten, nine….

The squad all begin to join in.

All: Seven, six, five, four, three, two, ONE! Happy New Year!

Someone begins to hum "Auld Lang Syne", very nasally. Brodie hugs Gee, Cox kisses Mikey on the cheek and they hug; Kay and Gee hug, Mikey and Meldrick hug, and Munch and Gee hug.

The telephone rings. All the telephones ring. Detectives start to pick up the phones. As the scene fades out, we hear:

"Homicide, Pembleton.", "Munch.", "Kellerman.", Howard.", "Lewis."


Fade out. End theme and credits.

More scripts.