Disclaimer: The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by Baltimore Pictures and Fatima Productions in association with NBC Studios, all rights reserved. Homicide was created by Paul Attanasio and based upon David Simon's book Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets. The following transcript is in no way a substitute for the show Homicide: Life on the Street, it's for educational purposes only. This transcript is not authorized or endorsed by Baltimore Pictures, Fatima Productions, or NBC. It was transcribed by Victoria and made available for your downloading enjoyment by Laurel Krahn at http://www.windowseat.org/homicide/scripts/.
Teleplay: Frank Pugliese
Story: Tom Fontana & Frank Pugliese
Director: Michael Lehmann
Night of the Dead Living
One hot night, last September...
An arm reaches out and lights a candle standing on the water cooler.
Lt. Al Giardello (Gee) enters the squadroom. The phone rings.
Gee: Homicide. Giardello.
He shakes his head and hangs up the phone. He heads over to the Board, which he rotates to show his shift. He reaches up to feel if air is coming out of the vent.
Gee [He checks the thermostat]: What? [Mops his face with a tissue]
Detective Beau Felton enters, taking his jacket off.
Felton: Oh, this heat'll kill you.
Gee: Who got killed?
Felton: No, the heat. People die from it all the time. They get too hot, they die.
Gee: Or they kill each other.
Felton [walking over to the water cooler]: Who lights this candle every night?
Gee: I got to get them to fix this AC. You know that.
Felton: We've been on the night shift, what, a week? Every night someone lights this candle by the board.
Gee: You're a detective. Solve it.
Felton: A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.
Gee goes into his office. Detectives Meldrick Lewis and Steve Crosetti enter the squadroom.
Crosetti: Meldrick, Meldrick
Lewis: What's up Beau? [He and Beau high-five]
Crosetti: Forget, forget about the Lincoln assassination.
Lewis: You know what? I'd love to forget about the Lincoln assassination forever, but you won't let me.
Felton [at his desk]: Either of you know who lights that candle?
Lewis: What candle?
Detective Tim Bayliss enters, cigarette dangling from his lips.
Bayliss: [walks to his desk] It's hot.
Felton: Thanks for the bulletin.
Lewis: Where the hell you been?
Bayliss: Kirk Avenue.
Lewis: Much time as you spend in that neighborhood, you oughtta buy a house.
Bayliss grunts, turns to his typewriter. Crosetti wanders over.
Crosetti: You know, the murder of an eleven year old girl is a tough tough case to lose your nut on. [Meldrick heads toward the mail slots] Meldrick, see if I got any messages, huh. [Watching Bayliss type] He types with all his fingers. That's amazing. Whew.
Gee comes out of his office, walks over to the vent over the Board and checks whether there is any air coming out of it.
Gee [picks up the phone and dials. To Frank, who is sitting at his desk]: They have the heat coming out of the AC. [Speaks into the phone angrily] Let me talk to your boss... Right. Get him on the phone for me, I'll wait... No. No. I'll wait. I'm waitin' for this. I'm in hell down here.
Crosetti tunes in a clock radio to a jazz station. Bayliss is still typing. Pembleton saunters over.
Pembleton: What do you have? [He sits.]
Pembleton: You got nothing.
Pembleton: Does this nothing have anything to do with Adena Watson's murder?
Bayliss: Frank, I'm busy.
Pembleton: Uh, Tim... I'm the secondary on this case. If you have something, I think you should share.
Felton [walking by]: You should talk about sharing. [Frank glares at him.]
Pembleton: What do you have?
Bayliss [sighs]: Him.
Bayliss: Uh, Adena's killer. One James Hill. Fingerprints matched.
Pembleton: What prints?
Bayliss: From the library books. [Taps the books.] The book Ad7ena checked out on the day that she disappeared. The results came back from the lab, finally, and now I am typing up a warrant for his arrest.
Pembleton: And you didn't think I'd care.
Bayliss: Frank, listen. To be honest, I don't know what you care about.
Meldrick sits with his feet up on his desk, arms behind his head, grinning at the conversation between Frank and Tim.
Gee [still on the phone]: Well, it's like a sauna in here... Well, find the supervisor. I don't care what he said. Go to the diner or go to his house, but get us some cold air. [Slams down the phone]
Pembleton [walks over to Gee, dipping a teabag into a paper cup]: Gee, tea?
Gee: Take that tie off. I'm sweating just looking at it.
Pembleton: What happened to the dress code?
Gee: Temporarily suspended.
Felton [at his desk]: He's drinking hot tea. What did he have for dinner? Soup?
Pembleton: Let me ask you a question. What's the hottest place on earth?
Lewis: I give up.
Pembleton: The desert. What do they drink in the desert?
Lewis: Nothin'. That's why it's the desert.
Pembleton: No, tea. They drink tea in the desert to stay cool.
Bolander: I'll stay with coffee.
Pembleton: Well, coffee's hot, too.
Bolander [dumping coffee into a garbage pail]: Not here, it isn't.
Felton: Hey, Pembleton, you ever see who goes over there and lights that candle by the Board?
Detective John Munch enters the squadroom.
Bolander: Munch, you're late.
Munch: I was early, so I took a walk by the dock. [sits at his desk] I HATE WOMEN! [pounds desk - triple take] I HATE THEM!
Bolander: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Munch: She broke up with me. The electricity went off in my building last night. Everything goes black. I'm standing there, dripping sweat, naked, and that's when Felicia *chooses* to break up with me. In the dark. I couldn't even see her.
Felton: They don't know. People don't know this job. Most people never even seen a dead body.
Lewis: Hey Big Man [to Bolander], you ever show your ex a dead body?
Bolander: My ex thought *I* was the dead body.
Munch: I agree.
Detective Kay Howard enters.
Howard [to Bolander]: Still wearing the same shirt?
Bolander: I'm divorced. I go to the washer/dryer and there's all these dials and levels. It's like the Apollo space mission.
Howard: Yeah, well. Take it to the cleaners or something. You're starting to smell like my Uncle Mikey. [She sits at her desk.]
Officer Chris Thormann enters and walks over to Bayliss's desk.
Bayliss [to Thormann]: You track down James Hill?
Thormann: Yeah, um...
Bayliss: Where is he?
Thormann: He's in the hall. Um...
Bayliss: Well bring him in.
Thormann: Bayliss, I think you should...
Bayliss [cuts him off impatiently]: For god's sake, Thormann, bring him in. Come on.
Thormann: Okay. [He exits.]
Lewis: This suspect got any priors?
Bayliss: Uh, computer's down. All I know is his name and his address.
Thormann re-enters, holding the door open.
Thormann: Gentlemen and lady, Mr. James Hill.
A 12-year-old boy enters. General laughter in the squadroom.
Bolander: Public enemy number one.
Howard: Hey, Bayliss, this your killer?
Munch: Nice goin', Bayliss.
Lewis: Yeah, that's a righteous lockup.
Pembleton: You wanna take him in the Box or you wanna grill him out here?
Felton [walks by]: The streets of Baltimore are safe again.
Bayliss [holds up a book - to Hill]: You know this book?
Hill: Took that book out, too?
Bayliss: You know who took this book out?
Hill [clearly upset]: Yo, yo, I'm sorry, awright? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that, man, I was bad. I was late, I got scared so I just dumped it.
Bayliss: In the alley?
Hill: At the library.
Bayliss: How'd she get in the alley?
Hill: I didn't know they got he and she books.
Pembleton [chuckles, shakes his head]: Excuse me, son, but when did you take this book out?
Hill: Fifth grade.
Pembleton: And, um, what grade are you in now?
Hill: Seventh grade.
More laughter in the squadroom. Bayliss stands, eyes closed, chagrinned.
Pembleton: Okay. Thank you very much, son. [sits on edge on Meldrick's desk] You know what I used to love about Mohammed Ali?
Lewis: What's that?
Pembleton: Whenever he talked so much, he would always back it up in the ring. Know what I mean? [Lewis nods] So uh Bayliss, the next time you put this case down, put it *down.* [Frank gets up and walks away.]
Bayliss sits and drops the book on his desk, looking dejected.
Gee [opening the door to his office]: Hey, you guys, maintenance said the air conditioning will be coming on any minute.
Bolander: Going to call her.
Lewis [pops out from behind the pillar]: Call who?
Bolander: Dr. Blythe at the morgue.
Lewis: What, did you volunteer for one of her experiments?
Bolander: Yeah, it's like that. It's a date.
Munch: She was lookin' at him like he was a lab rat.
Bolander: I haven't called a woman up for a date in 23 years.
Howard [at her desk, removing her socks]: She'll smell that shirt over the phone.
Munch: You want my advice?
Bolander: No, I don't want your advice.
Munch: I'm your partner.
Bolander: No, no. I ride with you. Mitch is my partner; he's my only partner.
Howard [walking past Stan's desk to the file cabinet]: What does it take to change a shirt, Stanley?
Bolander: After my divorce, all I had left was my shirts.
Crosetti: At least I got my daughter outta mine. She's as close to perfection as God allows.
Munch: All I was gonna say is, what are you gonna call Dr. Blythe for? Say you go out. You're a saint. You're everything you can be in a perfect world. So you sleep together. After the third time you do it, it's actually good instead of just saying it is. But how could it not be good? It's sex.
So you get intimate. You get real close. You talk about your childhood, your parents, your broken dreams. You talk about relationships that didn't work out. You get so intimate you tell her your problems. You get loose, rude, a little insensitive. You're not a saint anymore. And one day, she goes, "I don't know who you are. You're not the guy I got involved with." You apologize. You realize you've actually spent the last six months apologizing for who you were the first two weeks.
Then, in the middle of some night, she leaves you. In the dark. Nice, huh? Is that what you want?
Bolander: I know why she left you. I mean, you, you don't know when to shut up.
Munch: Your partner, Mitch, makes love to goats.
Howard [walks back from the file cabinet]: You take your shirts to a place. They wash 'em for ya. Ya pay 'em. How much could it cost, huh? Think about it, Stan.
Lewis: Big Man, you need to do what I do, man.
Bolander: What's that?
Lewis: Donate all your shirts to a thrift shop. They wash 'em, they iron 'em, they hang 'em out for sale. The next day, you waltz on in there and you buy 'em back up for two bucks a pop. [Bolander and Crosetti laugh.] What are you gonna pay at a dry cleaner, huh? Six bucks?
The phone rings.
Felton: Are you gonna get that?
Howard: What do I look like? A receptionist?
The phone continues to ring. Meldrick and Steve look over at Kay.
Felton: You pick up the phone, the case gets closed. You're 14 and 0 going into the All-Star break.
Howard [picks up a pen and answers the phone]: Howard. Homicide.
Bolander: Okay, okay. I'm calling her. [reaches for the phone. Looks at his watch.] What am I thinking about? I can't call her this late. Look at the time.
Munch: Hey, don't call her at all. Dating is a form of self-destruction.
Howard [on the phone]: Did he jump yet?
Felton: I don't believe this. She gets a jumper. [Shakes his head.] Every case, open and shut.
Bolander: Two days ago you were pushing me into her arms.
Munch: That was before.
Howard [on the phone]: They should talk him down. Christmas isn't for months. Tell him to wait. Relax... Get out. Get outta here. [She covers the phone, says to Beau] There's a guy in a Santa suit, right... [into the phone] But he didn't jump yet so he's not ours for now. [Hangs up. To everyone]
There's this guy on a ledge in a Santa suit, right. He says that the earth has snapped out of its orbit and it's heading toward the sun and it's only gonna get hotter and hotter and hotter. Christmas is never gonna come and we're all gonna burst into flames.
Crosetti: That is possible.
Bolander: I'll call her tomorrow. I think, you know, her shift comes on about the time that we're leaving.
Bayliss [sits pensively. To Frank]: What are you looking at?
Pembleton is playing cat's cradle.
Bayliss: You have something that you wanna say to me?
Pembleton: Adena Watson. So many unanswered questions.
Bayliss: And you're saying that I'm not asking them.
Pembleton: I'm saying that you're not answering them. [He peers at Tim through the cat's cradle.]
Bayliss [sighs]: What questions aren't I answering, huh?
Pembleton [gets up and flips through a notebook, draws a picture]: Okay, these sixteen row houses on the north side of Kirk Avenue. Adena's body was found outside the kitchen door in the red yard at 718 Kirk.
Now the killer could have dropped her anywhere. Why not the common alley? Why not the yards at either end of the block? These three row houses are empty. One, two, three. The killer would have stood much less of a chance of being seen if he'd dumped her body in any one of these yards. Why would he risk bringing a little girl's body inside a closed fence of an occupied house?
Maybe he wanted her body to be found immediately. Maybe he wanted to cast suspicion on the people in 718. Maybe he had some ... perverse sense of remorse, some impulse to leave her body inside an enclosed yard to protect her from stray dogs.
Bayliss: These are *exactly* [taps the notebook] the questions that I have been trying to answer.
Pembleton: Well, you can try, but you never will.
Pembleton: You don't think like a criminal. You don't have a criminal's mind.
Frank walks away. Tim grimaces in disbelief.
END ACT I.
The cleaning woman enters, pulling her cart.
Cleaning Woman: Hello. I'm here to clean
Howard [walking by]: Where's Estelle?
Cleaning Woman: She's sick. She's got a cold.
She walks over to Bayliss's desk. He looks her over.
Cleaning Woman: Would you mind movin' so I can clean where you're at, please? [She leans against the wall.]
Bayliss: Yeah. [He gets up, flustered, drops his files and bends over to pick them up.]
The phone rings. Bayliss is standing in the middle of the squadroom.
Howard: Hey you guys. [Phone continues to ring. Kay is exasperated]: Oh man. [She answers the phone.] Howard, Homicide. Did he jump yet?... Oh, really? Well why don't you call us when he shoots somebody? [She hangs up.] Santa's got a gun.
Bolander is staring at the ceiling. He appears to be snoring.
Munch: People think you can just interchange people, just find yourself another one. Like your dog got hit by a car or something. Felicia's not like anybody else. I'll never find anybody like her. Because, like everyone else, there *is* no one like her.
Bolander: The key is not in finding somebody like her. It's in finding somebody who's the opposite. Dr. Blythe and my ex are as different as Saturn and Pluto.
Munch: Your head is in Uranus.
Hill [to Bayliss and Pembleton]: Yo, did you ever hear about um Croatoan? [Bayliss shakes his head "no."] That stuff happened around here. 1587, right? Governor John White. He left his colony, right. When he got back, everybody was gone, nobody there, a hundred people, just gone like that, and all that was left, written on a tree, was Croatoan.
Bayliss: Go home.
Pembleton: No, the kid stays.
Bayliss shoots Frank a look, eyeballs the kid, and gets up and walks away.
Hill [to Frank]: So, you married?
Hill [to Frank]: Got a kid?
Hill: Want one?
Pembleton [laughs]: No.
Hill: Have you ever been arrested?
Hill: But you're black.
Pembleton: Look, um, son, um, there're a lot of black people never been arrested.
Hill: I wouldn't know about that.
Pembleton: Where are your parents? What do they do?
Hill [shrugs]: I don't know. Get arrested?
The cleaning woman is mopping outside Gee's office. He opens the door and comes out. He walks over to the Board and checks the vent above it to see if cold air is coming out.
Gee [to the Cleaning Woman]: There's hot air still coming out of the air conditioner.
Cleaning Woman: I don't know. It's off downstairs. They started shutting the AC down at night. I heard somebody say something about budget cuts.
Gee: Well, I talked to maintenance. Maintenance never said anything to me about budget cuts. In fact, they kept promising me they'd crank it up.
Cleaning Woman: It's 10 degrees hotter inside than it is outside, and outside it's 10 degrees hotter than it oughtta be.
Gee: The city fathers can go to hell but they're not taking us with them. I'll go down to the basement and turn the AC on myself. Watch.
Pembleton [leaning against the file cabinets]: Something's not right. Something's not natural. One hundred degrees Fahrenheit, not one call coming in.
Crosetti: You know, forty percent of all murders happen at night. I betcha with this, this heat the numbers are gonna be bumped up to fifty percent.
Meldrick [sighs]: What we need is a rain dance. You know, like the Indians used to do in Baltimore before Baltimore was Baltimore.
Pembleton: On a night like this, two people get trapped in a room, no way out, no relief, next thing you know, bang. Significant other is dead.
Felton [on the phone with his wife]: Honey, sweetie, baby, listen to me. How, how long we been married? ... Well, that's a long time to keep the flame going.
Howard [on the phone with her sister]: I know, honey. You go on and cry, Carrie... Well, that's a lot to have heaped on you in one day. I don't care about him - it's you I'm worried about.
Munch and Bolander are playing chess.
Munch: Do you really not consider me your partner?
Bolander: I really don't consider you my partner.
Munch: What is this Mitch, this incredible Mitch - the partner of the century? What does he have that I don't have?
Bolander: You're just upset about Felicia.
Munch: I'm upset because every relationship I *think* I have is not the relationship I *actually* have.
Bolander: Did you ever meet Mitch?
Bolander: Wait 'til you meet him. You'll understand.
Munch: Oh that's great. Thanks a lot. Until then I'll just wallow in self-pity. I'll just wallow in self-doubt. You know what? I'll just wallow until I meet this guy, okay?
Bolander: The air is not moving. You speak to me and your words get stuck right here in front of my face [waves his hand in front of his face].
The phone rings.
Pembleton [answers the phone, smiling]: Homicide... Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's here. [Hands the phone to Crosetti.] Crosetti, it's for you.
Crosetti: It's a murder?
Pembleton: No, it's your ex-wife.
Crosetti [whispering]: Put her on hold. Put her on hold.
Meldrick [disbelieving]: You're actually gonna talk to your ex-wife? [Rolls his eyes and walks away.]
Crosetti: Yeah, I'm gonna talk to her.
Kay and Beau hang up their phones at the same time.
Felton: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Howard: What's wrong?
Felton: Same as always. My wife. You?
Howard: My sister.
Felton: What's up?
Howard: I don't wanna talk about it. [Crumples up a piece of paper and throws it out.]
Howard: You're a man.
Felton: I'm your partner.
Howard: I'm a woman.
Felton: You're a cop.
Howard: I'm going to the ladies' room. [She gets up.]
Crosetti [on the phone]: No, he cannot stay over. ... No, not in her room, not in any room. ... No, not at her age, uh, not at any age.
Bayliss is outside the Box, banging on an air conditioning unit. He looks up, through the door to the Box, and goes in. James Hill is asleep on the table. Bayliss wakes him.
Bayliss: Hey kid, come on.
Bayliss: Wake up, come on. Told you you could go home. [Hill sits up]
Hill: I was wondering. That book. The little girl who got killed, hope she liked it as much as me.
Bayliss: Yeah, me, too.
Hill [stretches at the doorway of the Box]: Later, bro. [He flashes a peace symbol and walks out into the squadroom. To Meldrick]: Peace out. [Meldrick waves].
Pembleton: Later. [He begins playing cat's cradle again. To Tim]: So that's the kind of cat you are, isn't it?
Pembleton: First you make a stupid mistake like bringing that kid in. Then, rather than face up to it, you wanna make it all go away.
Bayliss: He's 12 years old. It's late. He should be home. [Smirks, turns and goes to his desk.]
Pembleton: Oh, yeah, right, that's what you care about.
Lewis: Y'all two got a codependent relationship. You need to work on that.
Bolander [walking by]: When I was young, a codependent relationship was a good marriage. [Breathes deeply] Sometimes I wanna call my wife just to hear the sound of her voice. But I know that five minutes into that phone call, my blood pressure is going through the roof, the phone is sailing across the room and I'm wishing that she's on a plane falling out of the sky. [Sigh] It's over. I know it's over. [Sigh] But I had to replace six telephones before I, I really got the hint.
I must be nuts wantin' to call Dr. Blythe. I don't want another long-term relationship [Munch re-enters the squadroom. To Munch]: and I don't want a one-night stand.
Beau is trying to open the doors to the balcony. Bayliss is sitting on the desk, drinking a can of soda.
Felton: You ever been married, Junior?
Felton: Don't. Don't get married. Don't get engaged. Don't even date on a regular basis. Trust me. [Pulls on the doors again.]
My wife got ahold of one of those magazines. You know, those rag magazines with the questionnaires in 'em. "Keeping the Flame Lit: 125 Ways to Avoid Divorce." So every night before we go to bed, my wife asks me a question and we have a meaningful discussion. I've been up for a hundred [pulls hard at the doors] and nineteen [pulls at doors again] nights. [Breathing heavily.]
Bayliss: They should just get that damn door fixed.
Felton: It's not broken. [He gets it open]. It's *never* been broken. [He walks out.]
Frank enters, holding a sheaf of paper.
Pembleton: Bayliss. I was double-checking the materials in the Adena Watson case file and these are the lunch menus from the school cafeteria. According to these uh menus on Adena's last they served hot dogs and sauerkraut.
Bayliss [exhales smoke]: Yeah, we knew that from the autopsy.
Pembleton: When Lewis originally checked with the cafeteria staff, they told him they served spaghetti and meatballs.
Bayliss: Well, so they made a mistake. Big deal.
Pembleton: Yes. So all this time we've been working along with the assumption that the killer fed Adena the hot dogs and sauerkraut. That he spent enough time with her to cook a meal. That she went along with him willingly because she knew him well enough and she didn't have any need to feel afraid. You know what this means? A perfect stranger could have snatched her off the street and killed her.
Bayliss: Frank. The araber killed Adena. The araber, Risley Tucker, killed Adena. She was helping him to unhitch his horse from the cart.
Pembleton: His barn burned. His horse died. Believe me, Bayliss, the man is harmless.
Bayliss: No. He was getting too familiar with her. Mrs. Watson had told him to lay off. He got angry and he lured her out into the barn.
Pembleton: This has been your problem all along. You get one thought in your head and you stick with that thought even when it's wrong.
Bayliss: Frank, you know what your problem is?
Pembleton: Tell me what my problem is, Bayliss.
Bayliss: The araber killed Adena. The araber killed Adena. And you can't admit that I'm right. That's what your problem is, Frank. [Frank walks away.] Yeah, that's it. Go ahead, walk away, Frank. That's what you do best.
Thormann brings Santa into the squadroom in handcuffs. Munch and Bolander are still playing chess.
Thormann: I thought you boys might like to meet Santa.
Santa [to Munch and Bolander]: Merry Christmas.
Munch: Yeah, great.
Thormann: Santa wanted to off his wife, so he started shooting into the crowd where she was standing. [Thormann roots through Santa's sack.]
Munch: Did he hit anybody?
Thormann: Oh yeah, his aim was great. But he was using one of these. [Shoots Munch with a water gun.]
Munch [laughing]: Get outta here. What about his wife?
Thormann: She got very wet.
Munch [to Santa]: Ah. So what is it, Kringle? One of the elves kiss Mrs. Claus's mistletoe? Is the ozone layer too thin over the North Pole? Is Rudolph's nose red because of alcohol? What? What is it?
Santa: People don't know how to give anymore.
Munch: I understand. On December 24th, you're the most popular guy in the world. On December 26th, you're just another fat man in a bad suit. Happy Hanukkah.
Thormann leads Santa away.
Munch [to Bolander]: It's your move.
Crosetti and Lewis walk out of the coffee room drinking sodas. As they talk, they walk to Lewis's desk.
Crosetti: So my little girl, she shows up at my ex-wife's house. I mean, you know, my old house. The house I'm still making payments on every month. She's with her boyfriend, right. They just got out of this club - it's a rock club; he's in a band or something - and they uh, they want to spend the night together. And my ex-wife, I mean, Miss uh "Okay if you have to, but don't mess my hair," she says it's fine with her. It's okay. So I raise an objection or two on the phone and uh she hangs up on me.
Lewis: You have to face the fact that your little Beatrice is growin' up, Crosetti.
Crosetti: I know that, I mean, I know she's not a -
Lewis: A virgin.
Crosetti: All right, a virgin. I've come to accept that, and I hope to hell she's using condoms or whatever. But, but sleeping with some long-haired freak in her own bedroom, the bedroom with the pink wallpaper I picked out for her...It's got those little stuffed animals I gave her over the years, you know. [Sighs]
Lewis [Sighs]: Whaddaya gonna do?
Crosetti [barely audible]: I don't know, I'll kill her mother. That's justifiable homicide.
The cleaning woman is mopping over by the lockers. Kay is sitting on a bench, crying.
Cleaning Woman: You crying?
Howard: No. [Sniffs and turns away]
Cleaning Woman: Hey, lady, I know crying. You're crying. You okay?
Howard [wiping her eyes and nose]: Yeah.
Cleaning Woman [offers her a rag]: It's clean. [Howard takes the rag.]
Howard: No, I'm not okay. [Wipes her nose] My sister's sick. I was talking to her on the phone... Carrie's got a tumor in her breast. She finds out tomorrow if it's benign or malignant. And her nothing-for-brains husband picks tonight to tell her he's been having an affair. With a woman with both breasts. I don't know, maybe it's genetic. If we don't have boobs, we marry 'em. I mean, almost all the women in my family have lost their breasts to cancer. And you know who I blame? Congress. Talking suits sitting in the House and Senate. They don't make a move unless it's about them. Some senator develops prostate cancer, so millions and millions of dollars get pumped into prostate research. Maybe if more senators had breasts, they'd do something about it.
Back in the squadroom...
Crosetti [on the phone with his ex-wife]: No, I just want you to delay them until I get off shift... I don't know. Well, give 'em milk and cookies or something.
The candle is burning on top of the water cooler. Felton and Lewis are standing by the water cooler.
Felton: My guess is it's someone in the unit. One of us who lights this every night. Maybe Bayliss.
Lewis: Maybe Howard.
Felton: Maybe Crosetti. Maybe you.
Lewis: Maybe you.
Lewis: Yeah, yeah. You. You the one making all the noise all the time. Just to throw suspicion off yourself, huh.
Felton: If I didn't know I was innocent, I'd agree.
Lewis: See, the question we gotta ask is "Why?" Because if we get the why, it's gonna give us the who.
Felton: I never closed an investigation through motive. [Counts off] Physical evidence. Witnesses. Confessions. Figure out how, it'll tell ya who.
Lewis: See, the person who lit this candle had a very, very important reason for doing so. Candle goes out, they're probably gonna want to light it again, so [he blows out the candle] stake out time.
Gee returns from the basement.
Felton: Hey Gee, you ever find the AC switch?
Gee: No, but I found something else. [Holds up a baby in a cage.]
END ACT II
Everyone is gathered around the baby.
Crosetti: Hey, baby, baby.
Bolander: Santy Claus, mystery babies. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Howard: Who should we contact?
Bolander: I know what to do with a dead body. I do *not* know what to do with a live baby.
Gee: Social Services.
Lewis [goes to the phone]: I got it.
Crosetti: Are they open?
Naomi: Yeah, they're open 24 hours.
Gee: All right, let's get the baby out of the cage [gestures at Crosetti]
Bolander: Come on. [gestures at the baby]
Gee: What, what are we, scared of a baby?
Felton: But he's in a cage.
Munch: Maybe he's a wild baby.
Crosetti: No, no. He's no wilder than my, my little girl Beatrice was.
General oohing and aahing as Crosetti lifts the baby up. Laughter.
Gee: Bayliss, find some milk. [Bayliss exits] Howard, set up a crib. [She goes and takes a drawer out of her desk and removes some files from it.]
Bolander [to Kay]: Uh, will this help? [Hands over a folded sweatshirt.]
Howard [indicates the drawer]: Put it in here?
Howard: You and the wife never had one?
Bolander: No. We were too busy with murders and mortgages.
Lewis [on the phone]: Yes, Detective Lewis over at Homicide.
Bayliss [walks back in]: We're out of milk.
Gee: Well run over to Vice and see if they have any.
Bolander: We're all set.
Crosetti [to Stan]: Okay, you wanna hold the baby?
Bolander: No, I don't wanna hold that thing. I'd drop it.
Crosetti: It's a baby. They don't know yet they can break, so they don't break easy. [Makes airplane noises as he puts the baby in the makeshift crib.] Ah, he's so little. You know, my daughter was really little.
Pembleton [to Gee]: You know, you gonna sweat to death. People have actually been known to drown in their own sweat.
Gee: Take off that tie, Frank.
Crosetti: Yeah, if you don't sweat, your body's gonna overheat and you'll explode.
Thormann [tickling the baby]: Hey, slugger.
Gee [his head in his hands]: Chris, do me a favor.
Thormann: What do you need?
Gee: December. We've got to figure out a way of cooling the room down so the baby won't suffer.
Thormann: I'll get right on it, sir.
Crosetti: I uh I gotta call my daughter.
Felton [sitting at his desk, to himself]: It's like glue. I'm sticking to the vinyl of my chair. How come we never got any real furniture in here?
Crosetti [on the phone]: Don't you think you're a little young to know what love is... Yeah, he's a nice kid, yeah. But love is... Well, I don't want him to sleep over... No, I know how old you are, I just don't, I don't want, I don't think a boy should sleep over uh uh until you're married [covers the phone, sighs] Madonna.
The baby starts crying. Bayliss comes in carrying milk.
Bayliss: Okay, I got the milk.
Bolander: Good, good, good.
Bayliss: How we gonna feed him?
Bolander [looks for something to put milk into. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rubber glove.] Good?
Bayliss: Yeah. [Pours the milk into the glove.] Great. All right.
Bolander [hands glove filled with milk to Tim]: There you go.
Bayliss: Oh, no. No. no. [shaking his head] You, you feed...[hands the glove back.]
Bolander: How do you, uh...
Howard: Tsk. What? You guys. Come on, I'll do it. It's okay, baby, it's a-coming. It's a-coming. It's a-coming. [Kay picks up the baby and feeds it.] Okay, baby. [Stan laughs and watches and sighs. The baby drinks.]
Crosetti [still on the phone]: Beatrice, uh, I liked him when I first met him... Oh, yes, I did. I was just showing him my gun...No, you gotta, you gotta respect my feelings here, too. You, you are in my house which I slaved over uh uh uh night and day for ten years so that your mother and her crook lawyer could take it away from me. Beatrice, don't you threaten me... Oh, yeah? Well, what if I sent somebody down there to arrest him? ... Oh, yes, I will. Oh, yes, I will. Oh, yes, I will. Yeah, don't hang up. Don't hang - [hangs up the phone. Mutters] Just like her mother.
Kay is sitting with the baby on her lap.
Bolander [to Kay]: Do you think I'm fat?
Howard: You're big.
Bolander: Ah, that means you think I'm fat.
Howard: No, it means I think you're big. If I thought you were fat, I would tell you. What do you care what I think anyway? You're not askin' me out on a date.
Bolander: What am I doing calling Dr. Blythe. Just so she can say no. I don't like to give people a chance to say no.
Howard: Ah, you're afraid maybe she'll say no, huh? Or maybe she'll say yes. [Bolander nods] That creates a bigger fear, huh?
Bolander: Of what?
Howard: Maybe she'll love you. Maybe she won't love you. Maybe you're not lovable. Maybe no one will ever love you again. Or maybe, Stan, this is the one, huh.
Bolander [leans on the desk]: Ya know, I'm nearly 50. I mean, I, half my life's over. [Sighs] I, I, all these things I haven't done. Oh, what a way to start over again. A date.
Munch: A date is the closest thing we have in life to death. But, of course, you don't want *my* advice.
Bolander: Munch, you know, you've been divorced twice, you have a new girlfriend approximately every twenty days. You're not a credible witness.
Munch: Fine. You've said it. Felicia said it. Gwen, Nancy and Maria said it. I'm incapable of love. I don't know how to love. I don't know anything about love. I'm just the Bob Uecker of love. I'm the Roberto Duran of love. Hell, I'm the Jim Irsay of love.
The phone rings. Frank answers.
Pembleton: Homicide. Yeah. Munch, it's for you.
Munch [picks up the phone]: Munch... Yeah, hi. I'm all right... Yeah, it was hot... I know, I miss you too... I'll be right over. [Hangs up, grabs his jacket and rushes out.]
Howard: He wouldn't be my first-round draft choice. [Thormann enters with a fan and some ice.] What's that?
Thormann: It's a swamp cooler for the tyke.
Bolander: Lemme help you set it up. We need something to put the ice in.
Crosetti [standing at his desk, he slams down the phone]: You know, all the books I've read, I don't know anything. [Gee walks over and sits down] I don't know why my daughter had to grow up. She, she was so cute when she was young. She listened to me, she loved me no matter what. And then she grows up and the next thing I know, I don't know anything. I'm dysfunctional. I'm withholding. I don't show enough affection. How am I supposed to show affection when I'm working a double shift to pay for the dance lessons? You know, I always thought that, I always thought that, that a wife and kid, that was it, you know. That was what it was all about. That's, that's a life.
Gee [leans forward]: Does the boyfriend love her?
Crosetti: I guess so.
Gee: Does she love him?
Crosetti: So she says.
Gee [gets up, walks over to Crosetti]: Well, Steve, you don't want them to do it in a motel and you don't want them to do it in a car...
Crosetti: Ah, I don't know what I want. Yeah, I know what I want. I wanna have all my hair back and I want, I want my ex-wife to remember that at one point in our lives she loved me, and I want my little girl to be safe.
Gee: Steve, get outta here. Go home. Go home and make sure your daughter's safe.
Crosetti: Thanks, Gee. [taps him on the shoulder] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Gee: Hey, what are paisans for?
Crosetti: Yeah, you wish you were paisan.
Thormann finishes setting up the fan and the ice.
Thormann: Well, there we go.
Howard: That's swell, Chris. Thanks. [She puts the baby in the drawer.]
Thormann: Anytime. Eva and I are trying to have a baby.
Bolander [to the baby]: I hope he's as cute as you.
Felton: How's he doin'?
Howard: Cooling him off.
Felton: Maybe if we had another kid, that would take my wife's mind off our marriage.
Howard [shaking her head]: The things that come out of your mouth...
Felton: What? She loves being pregnant.
Howard: It's not another kid she wants, it's romance, hm.
Felton: So, you mean I should buy her a present?
Howard: No. You should pay attention to her. *Love* her, hm.
Bayliss and Gee enter Gee's office.
Gee: I flew over a volcano once. That's how hot I am, like the belly of a volcano.
Bayliss: I was just wondering if you could talk to him, sir.
Gee [sitting behind his desk]: Pembleton? No one can talk to Pembleton.
Bayliss: Yeah, I know, I just think his personality is just getting in the way of the investigation.
Gee: You're asking me to tell him to change his personality?
Bayliss [Sighs]: Well...
Gee: Listen, I'm his shift commander. I'm not his psychiatrist. I'm not his mother. I'm not god.
Bayliss: Yes, sir. I understand that. It's not -
Gee: You realize where this is coming from, don't you? [Gets up, leans on the desk] It's what happened earlier with the kid. The guys made fun, you were embarrassed.
Bayliss: No, sir. I think that the problem is that Frank won't-
Gee: You have to earn the right to be here. You have to earn their respect. Until then, you're just another butthead from the mayor's security detail.
Bayliss: Yes sir. I just think, the question I have...
Gee: Bayliss, it's hot. I don't want to talk anymore. [He walks back behind his desk.]
Bayliss: Okay. [He heads for the door]
Gee [walks over to Bayliss]: Tim, for what it's worth, I think you're doing a very good job.
Tim smiles slightly.
The phone rings. Frank and Meldrick are tossing the football.
Pembleton [throws football to Lewis]: Homicide, Pembleton... Yeah. Yeah. Kay, it's your sister.
Howard [hands the baby to Stan]: Stan, here, grab the baby.
Bolander: What -
Howard [Takes the phone]: Carrie, did you find anything out?... I don't know what time it is, sorry. Where did he call you from? ... Maybe he should stay out on the corner for a while, huh. I know he's your husband, Carrie, but just wait... Carrie... [hangs up]
Bolander [holding the baby awkwardly]: Kay, uh, he made this little sound. Now, was that a burp? I don't know, how do you know when he burps?
Howard: Your doing just fine.
Howard: Natural fatherly touch.
Howard: You should have a kid.
Bolander [chuckles]: By the time the kid's in college, I'll be a statistic.
The phone rings.
Pembleton: Homicide, Pembleton... Yeah... No, I haven't seen him. Right. I'll be on the lookout. [hangs up] Santa has escaped. [motions for Meldrick to throw him the football]
Lewis: You checked the chimney?
The woman from Social Services [Mrs. Morris] enters.
Morris: Bessie Morris from Social Services. [flashes ID]
Bayliss: This way.
Morris: It's very hot in here.
Bayliss [leading Mrs. Morris to where Stan is holding the baby]: Well, it's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Morris [sarcastically]: Gee, I wish I'd said that.
Bayliss: This is, uh, the woman from Social Services.
Morris: Mrs. Morris. Where was the child found?
Howard: Uh, in the basement. By Lt. Al Giardello.
Morris [indicates drawer-cradle]: In this?
Howard: No, it was in a cage.
Morris: A cage? Well, that's a new one.
Bolander: What's going to happen to this baby?
Morris: He'll be taken to the hospital, given a physical. We'll try to track the parents and until we do, he'll be placed in foster care.
Bolander: Foster parents, they can be unpleasant at times. You know, I had a case one time -
Morris: Look, it's late. It's hot. I don't need lectures on why the system doesn't work. [Holds out her hands for the baby.]
Stan kisses him.
Bolander: Good luck, little fella. [he hands the baby over to Mrs. Morris. To her]: Be careful, will ya?
Felton: Lewis, someone lit the candle again. [He walks over and picks up the lit candle.]
Felton: I didn't see. Did you?
Lewis: Nah, I didn't see.
Felton: You were supposed to be watching.
Lewis: So what? So were you.
Felton: You said [Blows out the candle again] "stakeout." You were staking it out --
A scream rips through the squadroom.
Cleaning Woman [rushes into the squadroom]: Help me! My baby... [Howard grabs her]
Bayliss: What's the matter?
Cleaning Woman: Somebody stole my baby.
End ACT III
They're all gathered around the cleaning woman.
Bayliss: Why the hell would you put your baby in a cage?
Cleaning Woman: Don't try to make me feel bad. I don't get much work. And with the baby, a baby *is* a job - a big job. Then I'm tryin' to go to school...
Cleaning Woman: You gotta pay. Like what - halfa what I get? I don't even get halfa what I need. [She paces]
Bolander: Yeah, but a cage...
Cleaning Woman: Rats. I don't want rats getting to my baby.
Cleaning Woman: I seen a baby bit in the foot by a rat. His foot swelled up like a baseball. I can't lose this job. I tried welfare. They ask you how you buy your dress. I *made* the dress. They make you feel alive but dead, man... dead. I want my baby.
Howard: I called Social Services. Mrs. Morris isn't back yet.
Felton: When she does get back I think that someone -
Cleaning Woman: Please. They took my baby away once before. They ain't gonna give him back now.
Bolander: Hell, I'm gonna go down there and bring him back myself.
Bayliss [to the Cleaning Woman]: C'mon, we'll get some coffee, all right?
Cleaning Woman: Yeah.
Gee [sitting down next to Frank]: Did you see? Her tears evaporated in the heat.
The phone rings.
Pembleton: I'll get this. Hello. Homicide, Pembleton. No. No. No. No. We still haven't seen him [hangs up]. Santa's still on the loose.
Lewis [walking by]: Said on the news it's the hottest night of the year.
Gee: Ever. In the history of the world.
Lewis: On record. In recorded time.
Pembleton [sitting at his desk]: This plant died. One night, this plant just shriveled up and died.
Gee: Why don't you water it?
Lewis [leaving the squadroom]: Why don't you water us?
Gee [whispering]: Frank, take off that tie! [points repeatedly at Frank's tie. Gets up and leans over] Learn to relax.
In the coffee room
Cleaning Woman: I want my baby.
Bayliss: We'll get your baby back. Cream, hm?
Cleaning Woman: Don't look at me like that. Looking at me with big puppy-dog eyes.
Bayliss: I'm not looking at you.
He stirs the coffee and walks over to where she's standing.
Cleaning Woman: You've been looking at me ever since I came in here tonight.
Bayliss: All right, I won't look at you. Here. [Offers her a cup of coffee]
Cleaning Woman: No, don't, don't. Don't be nice to me, either, okay. [She stands up]
Cleaning Woman: Because I don't trust you.
Bayliss: I'm just trying to give you a cup of coffee. I'm not looking at you or anything. Here. [Holds out the cup of coffee again, his eyes averted.] Go on.
Cleaning Woman: Okay.
She reaches for the coffee and Bayliss releases it before she has a hold of it. They fumble the coffee.
Back in the squadroom.
Howard: Great. Well, they know that Mrs. Morris took the baby to the hospital. They just don't know which hospital.
Felton: Huh. Look, I'm not asking you to tell me what's bothering you. That's your business, not mine.
Felton: It's just that you gave me some really good advice about my wife. Look, Kay, I'm your partner and I am your friend and I just want you to know that even if I can't help you, I'm there for you. Even if you don't want to tell me.
Howard: I appreciate that.
Felton: So, tell me, what's bothering you? [He gets up and sits in the chair next to Kay's desk]
Howard: My sister Carrie's got a tumor and she finds out in a few hours if it's malignant or not.
Felton: Wow, Kay, I'm really sorry.
Howard [shrugs]: It just makes me feel so [breathes deeply] powerless.
Felton: Well, you know, either way, she'd want you there with her at the doctor's. I'll even drive you.
Howard: That's what I love about you, Beau. Just when I'm ready to write you off, you surprise me.
In the coffee room, Bayliss and the Cleaning Woman are sitting, drinking their coffee.
Cleaning Woman: I like the heat. I don't like the cold. Cold scares me. Makes me feel alone.
Bayliss: Does the baby have a father?
Cleaning Woman: Of course. Every baby has a father. I just hope my baby don't wind up lookin' like him, 'cause then I'll remember how much I loved him.
Bayliss: Well, maybe the baby'll end up being as beautiful as you.
Cleaning Woman: I told you, don't be nice to me.
Bayliss [shaking his head]: I'm just telling you the truth.
Stan enters, holding the baby. Laughing, he hands the baby to his mother.
Bolander: You can bring him back anytime, okay.
Cleaning Woman [to her baby]: Oh, I missed you.
In the squadroom
Felton [on the phone]: Hey, good morning. Yeah, I'll be getting off work soon. Listen, I was thinking, maybe the kids could get themselves to school for a change... Yeah, and we could maybe have breakfast together... No, no, breakfast in bed.
Bolander: It's almost time. Dr. Blythe's shift is coming on. My mouth is dry.
Howard: You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
Bolander: I'm a cop.
Howard: You're a person.
Bolander [dials phone.]: Yeah, oh, lemme speak to Dr. Blythe... No, no, not you. Dr. Blythe... I know you're speaking. I didn't recognize the sound of your voice. You don't usually pick up...
[Kay walks over, motions for him to keep talking]
Uh, hot, huh. Uh, yeah, I guess it would be cold in the morgue there... No, no, we don't have any... No, they shut it off. Yeah, uh, no, I'm fine. I'm healthy... I'm, yeah, no, yeah, no problems. Uh, nothing, no, uh, just...You wanna go out sometime?
[Kay nods encouragingly]
.... I don't know, eat, movie. You like movies?... Yeah? Well, I like movies, too... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Uh, this weekend? Uh, Friday? ... Yeah, no, no, Saturday. Uh, yeah, Friday I gotta go, uh, yeah, okay, great, great. That's great. [Hangs up.]
Howard [sitting at Stan's desk]: You did it.
Bolander: Yeah. Now what?
Munch [off-screen. Yelling]: Felicia, that's it. I can't take it. You're like a foreign language. I never know what you're saying. I don't know Wednesday if you're gonna be who you were on Tuesday. Go on, go ahead, break everything. And thanks for the damn ride. And don't come back. And don't call, either, 'cause I ain't home.
Munch enters the squadroom, jacket slung over his shoulder.
Bolander: Munch, how'd it go?
Munch: Good, really good. Felicia and I are really starting to communicate. [He sits down]
Bolander: Speaking the same language, huh.
Munch: Yeah, everything as great. Really good. It's hot in here, isn't it.
Lewis [walking through the squadroom, holding up the lit candle]: Hey, huh?
Felton: Who lit it?
Lewis: Couldn't have been Munch who lit it, he just got back.
Bolander [stands up]: All these unsolved cases, you guys are worried about a candle?
Munch: The candle went out?
Felton: Yeah, and someone relit it.
Munch: Well, who was here?
Lewis: Everyone but Crosetti and you. [Meldrick goes to blow the candle out again, then changes his mind.] No. Maybe we should leave it lit.
Felton: Good idea. [takes the candle and puts it back on top of the water cooler.]
Howard: Baltimore was built on a swamp. What I want to know is, who's the genius that decided to build Baltimore on a swamp? [drinking water]
Bolander: Yeah, Chicago was built on a garlic field. The Kickapoo Indian word for Chicago is "big stink."
Pembleton: Well, Los Angeles was built in a desert and that didn't turn out any better.
Lewis: I just wish it would rain.
Flakes of plaster begin to fall from the ceiling over Munch's head.
Munch: How 'bout snow?
Santa falls through the ceiling; he lands on Munch's desk and then rolls onto the floor.
Howard: Whoa! Man! [to Santa]: Nice of you to drop in.
Santa: Ho ho ho.
Bayliss gets up and walks over to Frank, who is on the phone.
Bayliss: Frank [Santa is being led away in handcuffs] What if he didn't carry Adena in? [He puts down the notebook with the diagram of Kirk Avenue] What if the killer carried her down? [He sits at Frank's desk.]
Pembleton: Down the metal stairs from the roof. [Tim hands Frank a pen] Now, Adena's body was found here - 718.
Felton: From the ground, 718 makes no sense. From the roof, 718 is the most accessible yard in the block. I gotta go check on something.
Pembleton: Okay, okay um, 710 and 726 are vacant. 714 is being renovated.
Howard: We interviewed everyone in those rowhouses. Brought 'em down here. Bunch of hoppers, testers, real sleaze.
Bayliss: Right. But the only house where the male occupants weren't totally accounted for is 702. Berrick.
Lewis [carrying a computer printout]: Hey, hey, hey, a six-year-old was pulled outta 702... Sexual abuse.
Bayliss [stands]: This could be it. [to Frank] What do you say we make a little visit on the Berrick family?
Pembleton [smiles widely]: Oh, yeah.
Gee comes out of the office and rotates the Board.
Gee: Okay, everyone, listen up. The shift's officially over. [half-hearted applause] I'd like everybody to reassemble themselves out on the roof. I have a special surprise for you. [He looks directly at Frank.]
Out on the roof, Gee is spraying everyone with a hose. Lewis, Bayliss and Howard have no pants on. Frank and Stan are standing beside Gee, out of the line of fire.
Gee [to Stan and Frank]: Come on, you guys, get in there. All night long I've been telling you to take off that tie. Watch it!
He turns the hose on Frank. Frank and Gee struggle playfully for control of the nozzle.
Inside the squadroom, Munch blows out the candle. Thormann, wearing a tuxedo, walks over to him.
Thormann: What do you do that for, every night?
Munch: What's with you?
Thormann: I gotta got to a wedding.
Munch: At this hour?
Thormann: It's a long story. The wedding's in Connecticut - Old Saybrook. Eva and I are driving up.
Thormann: I know you're the one who lights the candle.
Thormann: So, why?
Munch: It's for all the ones who've been killed.
Thormann: Uh huh.
Munch: What I don't know is, who lit it when I was gone?
Thormann: I did.
Thormann: I figured it was important to you.
Munch: It's gonna be our little secret, okay?
Thormann: Yeah, sure, okay.
The air conditioning kicks in.
Munch: Air conditioner's working.
The End. Fade to black.
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